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Also on this website:

Toby Johnson's books:

GAY SPIRITUALITY: The Role of Gay Identity in the Transformation of Human Consciousness

GAY PERSPECTIVE: Things Our Homosexuality Tells Us about the Nature of God and the Universe

SECRET MATTER: updated, revised & expanded edition from Lethe Press with Afterword by Mark Jordan

GETTING LIFE IN PERSPECTIVE: A romance novel set in the 1980s and the 1890s.

THE FOURTH QUILL, a novel about attitudinal healing and the problem of evil

TWO SPIRITS: A Story of Life with the Navajo, a collaboration with Walter L. Williams

CHARMED LIVES: Spinning Straw into Gold: Reclaiming Our Queer Spirituality Through Story

PLAGUE: A NOVEL ABOUT HEALING.

About ordering


Books on Gay Spirituality:

White Crane Gay Spirituality Series


  Articles and Excerpts:

Read Toby's review of Samuel Avery's The Dimensional Structure of Consciousness

Funny Coincidence: "Aliens Settle in San Francisco"


The Simple Answer to the Gay Marriage Debate

Why gay people should NOT Marry

Wedding Cake Liberation

Gay Marriage in Texas

What's ironic

Shame on the American People

The "highest form of love"

Second March on Washington


A Bifurcation of Gay Spirituality

 The cause of homosexuality

The origins of homophobia

Q&A about Jungian ideas in gay consciousness

What is homosexuality?

What is Gay Spirituality?

My three messages

What Jesus said about Gay Rights

Queering religion

Common Experiences Unique to Gay Men

Is there a "uniquely gay perspective"?

The purpose of homosexuality

The Reincarnation of Edward Carpenter

The Gay Succession

Interview on the Nature of Homosexuality

What the Bible Says about Homosexuality

Mesosexual Ideal for Straight Men

Varieties of Gay Spirituality

Waves of Gay Liberation Activity

Why Gay Spirituality: Spirituality as Artistic Medium


Easton Mountain Retreat Center

Andrew Harvey & Spiritual Activism

The Gay Spirituality Summit in May 2004 and the  "Statement of Spirituality"


"It's Always About You"

The myth of the Bodhisattva Avalokitesvara

Joseph Campbell's description of Avalokiteshvara

Avalokiteshvara at the Baths.

You're Not A Wave

What is Enlightenment?

What is reincarnation?

How many lifetimes in an ego?


Emptiness & Religious Ideas

Experiencing experiencing experiencing

Going into the Light

Meditations for a Funeral

Meditation Practice

The way to get to heaven

Buddha's father was right



Advice to Travelers to India & Nepal

The Danda Nata & goddess Kalika

Nate Berkus is a bodhisattva

John Boswell was Immanuel Kant

The Two Loves


Curious Bodies

What Toby Johnson Believes

The Joseph Campbell Connection

Campbell & The Pre/Trans Fallacy

The Nature of Religion

What's true about Religion

Being Gay is a Blessing

Drawing Long Straws

Freedom of Religion

The Gay Agenda

Gay Saintliness

Gay Spiritual Functions

The subtle workings of the spirit in gay men's lives.

The Sinfulness of Homosexuality

Proposal for a study of gay nondualism

Priestly Sexuality


 "The Evolution of Gay Identity"

"St. John of the Cross &
the Dark Night of the Soul."

 Eckhart's Eye

Let Me Tell You a Secret

Religious Articulations of the Secret

The Collective Unconscious

Driving as Spiritual Practice

Meditation

Historicity as Myth

Pilgrimage

No Stealing


Next Step in Evolution

The New Myth

The Moulting of the Holy Ghost

Gaia is a Bodhisattva

The Hero's Journey as archetype

Marian Doctrines: Immaculate Conception & Assumption


Teenage Prostitution and the Nature of Evil

Allah Hu: "God is present here"
 
Adam and Steve

The Life is in the Blood

Gay retirement and the "freelance monastery"

Seeing with Different Eyes


The mystical experience at the Servites'  Castle in Riverside

The Great Dance according to C.S.Lewis


The Techniques Of The World Saviors

Part 1: Brer Rabbit and the Tar-Baby
Part 2:
The Bodhisattva Avalokiteshvara
Part 3:
Jesus and the Resurrection
Part 4:
A Course in Miracles


The Secret of the Clear Light

Understanding the Clear Light

Mobius Strip

Finding Your Tiger Face

How Gay Souls Get Reincarnated


In honor of Sir Arthur C Clarke

Karellen was a homosexual

About Alien Abduction

What are you looking for in a gay science fiction novel?


The D.A.F.O.D.I.L. Alliance

More about Gay Mental Health

Psych Tech Training

The Rainbow Flag

Ideas for gay mythic stories

Kip and Toby, Activists


Toby's friend and nicknamesake Toby Marotta.

Harry Hay, Founder of the gay movement

About Hay and The New Myth

About Karl Heinrich Ulrichs, the first man to really "come out"

About Michael Talbot, gay mystic

About Fr. Bernard Lynch

About Richard Baltzell

About Guy Mannheimer

About David Weyrauch

About Dennis Paddie

About Ask the Fire

About Arthur Evans

About Christopher Larkin

About Sterling Houston

About Michael Stevens

Our friend Tom Nash


 
Book Reviews


Be Done on Earth by Howard E. Cook

Pay Me What I'm Worth by Souldancer

The Way Out by Christopher L  Nutter
The Gay Disciple by John Henson

Art That Dares by Kittredge Cherry

Coming Out, Coming Home by Kennth A. Burr

Extinguishing the Light by B. Alan Bourgeois


Over Coffee: A conversation For Gay Partnership & Conservative Faith by D.a. Thompson

Dark Knowledge by Kenneth Low

Janet Planet by Eleanor Lerman

The Kairos by Paul E. Hartman

Wrestling with Jesus by D.K.Maylor

Kali Rising by Rudolph Ballentine

The Missing Myth by Gilles Herrada

The Secret of the Second Coming by Howard E. Cook

The Scar Letters: A Novel by Richard Alther

The Future is Queer by Labonte & Schimel

Missing Mary by Charlene Spretnak

Gay Spirituality 101 by Joe Perez

Cut Hand: A Nineteeth Century Love Story on the American Frontier by Mark Wildyr

Radiomen by Eleanor Lerman

Nights at Rizzoli by Felice Picano

The Key to Unlocking the Closet Door by Chelsea Griffo

The Door of the Heart by Diana Finfrock Farrar

Occam’s Razor by David Duncan

Grace and Demion by Mel White

Gay Men and The New Way Forward by Raymond L. Rigoglioso

The Dimensional Stucture of Consciousness by Samuel Avery

The Manly Pursuit of Desire and Love by Perry Brass



"I Want to Know Them All"


by Houston Wood

Editor's Note: Houston Wood was one of the first real "hippies" I met when I moved to San Francisco in 1970. He was a fellow student at the California Institute of Asian Studies (now C.I.I.S.). Though a straight man (now paterfamilias of a family of five, I believe, living in Hawaii and teaching at the University of Hawaii), he exemplified for me the openness and celebration of diversity that was central to the Countercultural thinking of the "flower children." He was fascinated with me as a former monk and as a gay man; and, through his interest, helped me to see the consistency of the two roles and to understand the spiritual and mystical roots of my sexual identity. The following piece Houston wrote for me in a sort of gesture of highly etheralized homoeroticism -- the sex never actually occurred and I was never ordained to the priesthood. But it is a wonderful statement, I believe, of the myth of the Bodhisattva Avalokiteshvara.

 - - - - -

The night we first made love we lay awake touching and laughing about our touches till nearly dawn. I rose soon after sleep finally caught up with us to celebrate mass. A's dozing image visited me as weary but cleansed I recited the sweet liturgy. Church affairs kept me from my room until early afternoon. A was gone. He'd left the bed neatly made and had folded the bedspread halfway, inviting me to nap. Full of his kindness, I climbed in and discovered this long note under my pillow:

Brother in God, From the two of us, the one of us, I passed softly into a dream (puny name for our deeper worlds!). Floating above the bed, I looked down on your shining sleeping face. Your lips puckered and grinned, as if you knew I was watching but did not want to spoil my fun by opening your eyes. I glanced about your room to share a conspirator's smile with the spirits I knew must always be watching you here. "I want to know everyone in the world," I exulted to them and at once the warm luminescence of the shadows glowed full awake and I flew beyond your room toward a welcoming multitude so large I knew it contained every soul on earth. There was such a scrumptious swirl of colors there, of ages, fashions; of rich and poor; beautiful and powerfully homely. I glided one to another, always with a mutual peering and interpenetration of eyes, a glimpse of their kernels, of them into mine. Brief discovering and clean delight. After a score I realized I was to be carried to each, three billion, and gave a thought command to your spirits granting me my wish, to slow down, to allow me time to know each person better.

My wish was granted and I began to embrace them, deeply and completely, before moving on, ever moving on.

My flight was still too swift. I could but begin to establish something rich and unique with one when my body glided to the summons of the next. Slower yet, I ordered. And it was so. Now I could dawdle and even share some conversation before cruising on.

Thus I passed through perhaps a hundred: bushmen, Frenchmen, Bedouins, gypsies, children, the old and dying, and though the pace yet seemed hasty, I accepted it until a new desire came over me: to go back and revisit some I had already met. Old friends, a respite from the ever new.

The wish produced its fruit and so after every fourth or fifth new person I was flown back to an old one. And these familiar faces, with their sweetly remembered bodies and voices, were as enchanting as the new, sweeter even than they had been when first we'd met.

Slower yet, I called at last, wanting to share days with many that I found, to pause long enough to caress and make love to others.

I began to deliberate with each one how long I would tarry. To will my way back to particular others when their imagined faces warmed my memory.

But it was wearying being so completely in control. I constantly had to think and judge and decide: who, how long, when. And though I asked and tried to gauge the desires of my friends, I knew I was not always choosing well. So I willed away my control. Let them come and go as they themselves choose, I said, and suddenly I found I had returned to the familiar earth-bound time rhythms, except I knew there would be no end, no death, until I had satisfied my dream and knew them all.

I began taking time out from my friends and lovers, old and new, to rest and rejoice with but myself. It was like visitng my oldest friend. I reviewed my loving past, fantasized my sweet future, returning always to the present of others fuller of appreciation for them and for myself.

As I returned so refreshed one time I watched the people drawing near and recognized yet another flaw in the game I'd created. All came to me at their own pleasure, to be sure, but they were still uncomfortably under my will. It added an alien desire to them, a part of me and my pecularities. It stripped them of a portion of their own uniqueness, of what I most desired to know, so this attitude too I willed away. Now some would never come, would never want to meet me. Others would come in anger, or to use and exploit me. No matter. I didn't want a world where everyone had my desires. And, there were enough who came as before, a full infinite lifetime's worth, and all were now entirely themselves.

But oh, I thought, these are but the ones alive as my body slept in Father Toby's bed. What of all the jewels of the past, and the future ones. I must go to them. And not as myself but as their contemporary, lest I disturb them in ways neither of us could ever comprehend. I must die and be reborn. I must have been dying and being reborn over and over throughout the ages of man.

And, I saw, I must not know it, not too consciously or readily anyway, unless those in the age also knew it. Else again I would not belong, not embrace them as I wished, human being to human being.

Oh, and to know all people -- thoughts flooded in upon me, complexities, multiplying upon one another -- I must know them in every situation, every moment of their lives. Not as it had been, merely when they were alone with me, but also when the two of us were together with others, every conceivable combination of others. And not merely from within my single perspective but from every possible perspective, from within the mind of every person they ever see or slightly know. And, of course, I must also experience them from within the swarming flow of themselves.

There must always be time for rest as well. Years, sometimes entire lifetimes spent with no other ones, learning only who one is alone, and what in solitude one may become.

And always this knowing -- the final insight which sunk me to my knees and brought the laughter of your spirits to my ears -- always it must come without simultaneous awareness of what is going on. My enjoying everyone from every possible direction must not be muddied by the remembrance that it is after all but myself in disguise taking the place of others in order to know them all, to experience it all.

Floating slowly above the patiently waiting mass I reviewed these discoveries and uttered a final wish I knew would at once be granted. So I might know everyone and experience everything, through your spirits, I ordered the cosmos: make the world unfold from beginning to end not once but an infinite number of times. Grant me a universe with infinite time breathing upon but finite matter. Every combination of events that can happen, then, will happen not once but again and again. Each time through I am to be placed within only one person but, eventually, will find myself in that person an infinite number of times, as with all other people. From man's appearance to destruction, the cycles will be in trillions of years perhaps, with each new stream differing from the previous one in but the placement of a snowflake, or the singing of a song, or the birth of a sparrow. One cosmic exhalation will be the exact replica of some other loop in every numberless detail up to a point when maybe man will blow up the planet or an extra baby be born or a screen door be slammed.

And I'll be there each time, every time, eventually experiencing every possible nuance and convolution the human brain is capable of experiencing. I'll be buried within one person, always only one, but in the event everyone. There, wherever, everywhere, I'll scratch out my life within them amidst all the other others fate leads me to see, love, hate or pass by. They'll be great suffering and pain in the cycles, long ages of darkness and aimless cruelties. And no matter how lost I become, no further wish can ever be permitted to rescind this one. No more changes at my will.

You spirits too must abandon the earth and watch only from above. So I and all the earth beings will never perceive that I live within every one, at once lost and at home. That is all by a choice I once made to will away my will, to fulfill my deepest desire. So each of my lives and each other woman or man's life will be with aloneness, with drift within a tension between their own imagination and that of those they meet. One's own experience always will seem to be opposed to the others. And some few will rely solely on themselves and find others a dreadful weight. And others will experience only as they judge, often wrongly, others would have them experience. While most will wash about in an in-between state, attempting the impossible of at once serving their own dreams and that of others. And whatever each person concocts from this melange will be him or herself, and real. Everyone will inhabit a reality they construct.

And every one's world will reveal truth, with no common grounds for a full conjoining among human beings. And in such a swarm no one will ever rise above their own dark alcove, no one will ever remember who they are and where they've been. Never have the slightest glimpse of all this. No one ever, except at extremely rare moments, when they love themselves completely and at once most desires to leave themselves. Extraordinarily rare, fleeting seconds of miracle and revelation. Like once in the lifetimes of some fated one of me who awakening in the bed of a new lover looks down upon their shining, sleeping face and finds themself looking back. And recalls in the ensuing swirl that they've been there before, sometimes from the side they're now on, sometimes from within the body of the lover. Weeps to remember they have been in everyone, have themselves caused all the pain and all the joy. Shall be in each again and do it again. And again.

Whereupon I'll collapse into sleep and live a thing called a dream where your spirits will interfere and reveal to me the giddy truth, which leaves me, once awake, able to scratch about it like this. Which readily dissipates the sublime fuzz, I'll discover, melts it into uncertainties and doubt, and so creates life's energy one more: I want to know them all.

rainbow line

Toby Johnson, PhD is author of eight books: three non-fiction books that apply the wisdom of his teacher and "wise old man," Joseph Campbell to modern-day social and religious problems, three gay genre novels that dramatize spiritual issues at the heart of gay identity, and two books on gay men's spiritualities and the mystical experience of homosexuality. In addition to the novels featured elsewhere in this web site, Johnson is author of IN SEARCH OF GOD IN THE SEXUAL UNDERWORLD and THE MYTH OF THE GREAT SECRET (Revised edition): AN APPRECIATION OF JOSEPH CAMPBELL.

Johnson's Lammy Award winning book GAY SPIRITUALITY: The Role of Gay Identity in the Transformation of Human Consciousness was published in 2000. His Lammy-nominated book  GAY PERSPECTIVE: Things Our Homosexuality Tells Us about the Nature of God and the Universe was published by Alyson in 2003. Both books are available now from Lethe Press.

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