Is It Time to Grow Up?

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Also on this website:

Toby Johnson's books:

GAY SPIRITUALITY: The Role of Gay Identity in the Transformation of Human Consciousness

GAY PERSPECTIVE: Things Our Homosexuality Tells Us about the Nature of God and the Universe

SECRET MATTER: updated, revised & expanded edition from Lethe Press with Afterword by Mark Jordan

GETTING LIFE IN PERSPECTIVE: A romance novel set in the 1980s and the 1890s.

THE FOURTH QUILL, a novel about attitudinal healing and the problem of evil

TWO SPIRITS: A Story of Life with the Navajo, a collaboration with Walter L. Williams

CHARMED LIVES: Spinning Straw into Gold: Reclaiming Our Queer Spirituality Through Story


THE MYTH OF THE GREAT SECRET: An Appreciation of Joseph Campbell

About ordering

Books on Gay Spirituality:

White Crane Gay Spirituality Series

  Articles and Excerpts:

Read Toby's review of Samuel Avery's The Dimensional Structure of Consciousness

Funny Coincidence: "Aliens Settle in San Francisco"

The Simple Answer to the Gay Marriage Debate

Why gay people should NOT Marry

The Scriptural Basis for Same Sex Marriage

Wedding Cake Liberation

Gay Marriage in Texas

What's ironic

Shame on the American People

The "highest form of love"

Second March on Washington

Why people need homosexuality to be a sin

A Bifurcation of Gay Spirituality

 The cause of homosexuality

The origins of homophobia

Q&A about Jungian ideas in gay consciousness

What is homosexuality?

What is Gay Spirituality?

My three messages

What Jesus said about Gay Rights

Queering religion

Common Experiences Unique to Gay Men

Is there a "uniquely gay perspective"?

The purpose of homosexuality

The Reincarnation of Edward Carpenter

The Gay Succession

Interview on the Nature of Homosexuality

What the Bible Says about Homosexuality

Mesosexual Ideal for Straight Men

Varieties of Gay Spirituality

Waves of Gay Liberation Activity

Why Gay Spirituality: Spirituality as Artistic Medium

Monastic or Chaste Homosexuality

Easton Mountain Retreat Center

Andrew Harvey & Spiritual Activism

The Gay Spirituality Summit in May 2004 and the  "Statement of Spirituality"

"It's Always About You"

The myth of the Bodhisattva Avalokitesvara

Joseph Campbell's description of Avalokiteshvara

Avalokiteshvara at the Baths.

You're Not A Wave

What is Enlightenment?

What is reincarnation?

How many lifetimes in an ego?

Emptiness & Religious Ideas

Experiencing experiencing experiencing

Going into the Light

Meditations for a Funeral

Meditation Practice

The way to get to heaven

Buddha's father was right

Cutting edge realization

What Anatman means

Advice to Travelers to India & Nepal

The Danda Nata & goddess Kalika

Nate Berkus is a bodhisattva

John Boswell was Immanuel Kant

The Two Loves

Curious Bodies

What Toby Johnson Believes

The Joseph Campbell Connection

Campbell & The Pre/Trans Fallacy

The Nature of Religion

What's true about Religion

Being Gay is a Blessing

Drawing Long Straws

Freedom of Religion

The Gay Agenda

Gay Saintliness

Gay Spiritual Functions

The subtle workings of the spirit in gay men's lives.

The Sinfulness of Homosexuality

Proposal for a study of gay nondualism

Priestly Sexuality

 "The Evolution of Gay Identity"

"St. John of the Cross &
the Dark Night of the Soul."

 Eckhart's Eye

Let Me Tell You a Secret

Religious Articulations of the Secret

The Collective Unconscious

Driving as Spiritual Practice


Historicity as Myth


No Stealing

The upsidedown book on MSNBC

Next Step in Evolution

The New Myth

The Moulting of the Holy Ghost

Gaia is a Bodhisattva

The Hero's Journey as archetype

Marian Doctrines: Immaculate Conception & Assumption

Teenage Prostitution and the Nature of Evil

Allah Hu: "God is present here"
Adam and Steve

The Life is in the Blood

Gay retirement and the "freelance monastery"

Seeing with Different Eyes

The mystical experience at the Servites'  Castle in Riverside

The Great Dance according to C.S.Lewis

The Techniques Of The World Saviors

Part 1: Brer Rabbit and the Tar-Baby
Part 2:
The Bodhisattva Avalokiteshvara
Part 3:
Jesus and the Resurrection
Part 4:
A Course in Miracles

The Secret of the Clear Light

Understanding the Clear Light

Mobius Strip

Finding Your Tiger Face

How Gay Souls Get Reincarnated

In honor of Sir Arthur C Clarke

Karellen was a homosexual

About Alien Abduction

What are you looking for in a gay science fiction novel?

The D.A.F.O.D.I.L. Alliance

More about Gay Mental Health

Psych Tech Training

The Rainbow Flag

Ideas for gay mythic stories

Kip and Toby, Activists

Toby at the California Institute

Toby's friend and nicknamesake Toby Marotta.

Harry Hay, Founder of the gay movement

About Hay and The New Myth

About Karl Heinrich Ulrichs, the first man to really "come out"

About Michael Talbot, gay mystic

About Fr. Bernard Lynch

About Richard Baltzell

About Guy Mannheimer

About David Weyrauch

About Dennis Paddie

About Ask the Fire

About Arthur Evans

About Christopher Larkin

About Sterling Houston

About Michael Stevens

Our friend Tom Nash

Book Reviews

Be Done on Earth by Howard E. Cook

Pay Me What I'm Worth by Souldancer

The Way Out by Christopher L  Nutter
The Gay Disciple by John Henson

Art That Dares by Kittredge Cherry

Coming Out, Coming Home by Kennth A. Burr

Extinguishing the Light by B. Alan Bourgeois

Over Coffee: A conversation For Gay Partnership & Conservative Faith by D.a. Thompson

Dark Knowledge by Kenneth Low

Janet Planet by Eleanor Lerman

The Kairos by Paul E. Hartman

Wrestling with Jesus by D.K.Maylor

Kali Rising by Rudolph Ballentine

The Missing Myth by Gilles Herrada

The Secret of the Second Coming by Howard E. Cook

The Scar Letters: A Novel by Richard Alther

The Future is Queer by Labonte & Schimel

Missing Mary by Charlene Spretnak

Gay Spirituality 101 by Joe Perez

Cut Hand: A Nineteeth Century Love Story on the American Frontier by Mark Wildyr

Radiomen by Eleanor Lerman

Nights at Rizzoli by Felice Picano

The Key to Unlocking the Closet Door by Chelsea Griffo

The Door of the Heart by Diana Finfrock Farrar

Occam’s Razor by David Duncan

Grace and Demion by Mel White

Gay Men and The New Way Forward by Raymond L. Rigoglioso

The Dimensional Stucture of Consciousness by Samuel Avery

The Manly Pursuit of Desire and Love by Perry Brass

Love Together: Longtime Male Couples on Healthy Intimacy and Communication by Tim Clausen

War Between Materialism and Spiritual by Jean-Michel Bitar

The Serpent's Gift: Gnostic Reflections on the Study of Religion by Jeffrey J. Kripal

Esalen: America and the Religion of No Religion
by Jeffrey J. Kripal

The Invitation to Love by Darren Pierre

Brain, Consciousness, and God: A Lonerganian Integration by Daniel A Helminiak

A Walk with Four Spiritual Guides by Andrew Harvey

Can Christians Be Saved? by Stephenson & Rhodes

The Lost Secrets of the Ancient Mystery Schools by Stephenson & Rhodes

Keys to Spiritual Being: Energy Meditation and Synchronization Exercises by Adrian Ravarour

In Walt We Trust by John Marsh

Solomon's Tantric Song by Rollan McCleary

A Special Illumination by Rollan McCleary

Aelred's Sin by Lawrence Scott

Fruit Basket by Payam Ghassemlou

Internal Landscapes by John Ollom

Princes & Pumpkins by David Hatfield Sparks

Scissors, Paper, Rock by Fenton Johnson

This article was published in 1984. Most of the issues discussed are still relevant thirty years later.

This article appeared in The Advocate, March 1984

Is It Time to Grow Up?

Confronting the Aging Process

Toby Johnson

Probably simply because of gay men's desire to appeal to prospective partners, homosexuality (and especially gay-identification) seems to inhibit aging. Have we discovered the Fountain of Youth? Or are we trapped in illusion?

Middle age is creeping up on the post-Stonewall generation—"the first generation of liberated gay men," who discovered their sexuality and came of age during the turbulent years of the late '60s and early '70s. We are soon to reach our 40s. A few of the more precocious of us already have; and a few of the then already-adult men who were swept up in the youth rebellion of the '60s and joined the ranks of the "liberated" are now in their 50s, 60s and beyond.

A curious quality of being gay is apparent in these men, especially when compared with their nongay contemporaries: classmates, brothers, boyhood chums—most of whom have married and raised children. The gay men generally look more fit, trim, boyish and sexy; in a word, younger.  Probably simply because of gay men's desire to appeal to prospective partners, homosexuality (and especially gay-identification) seems to inhibit aging. Have we discovered the Fountain of Youth? Or are we trapped in illusion? Have we missed out on aging? Are our souls, like a Dorian Gray painting sequestered somewhere in each of us, corrupting while our faces and physiques stay beautiful?

The current health crisis undermines our confidence that because we look youthful, attractive and healthy, we have staved off time's power over us. Ironically, the health crisis seems to manifest a tragically self-fulfilling prophecy most of us made impetuously (in the days when we "couldn't trust anyone over 30") when we said we dreaded getting old and stagnant and wished instead to live intensely and meaningfully, then burn out and die young—perhaps even martyring ourselves for the causes of justice and freedom.

This is a familiar theme of youth. The boy saints like Gabriel of Our Lady of Sorrows, whom those of us who are Catholic were taught to emulate in parochial school, prayed to die young, devoured by the intensity of their spirituality. Today, in the ominous shadow of nuclear holocaust, teen-age punk rockers glorify death in a similar way as an escape from mediocrity and unattractiveness, and from what seems (from the perspective of a hyperkinetic youngster) like the boredom of the long afternoon of middle age: "Die Young, Stay Pretty," sings Blondie.

The phases of the body—childhood, pubescence, aging, health and illness, decrepitude and dying—are mechanical realities of the organic machines that are our bodies. They are also consequences of how we think of ourselves. Paradoxically, modern science is showing us that things are less mechanical than we've thought. Nuclear physicists find that their subjective expectations and observations influence the outcome of objective experiments. Brain researchers find that subjective self-image and expectation influence even the body's so-called autonomic systems.

The body manifests the psyche. The raw protoplasm, first formed by messages encoded in our DNA, continues to be formed throughout our lives by our lives. Not having magical paintings sequestered in attic rooms, all of us bear the consequences of our pasts and the implications of our futures in our own physiognomies. (The obvious "proof" is that gay-identification is obvious to us. It is not the jeans or mustache or keyring that makes a man a gay clone. His flesh itself takes on the group characteristics, just as, it is said, long-time couples, and dogs and their owners, come to resemble one another.) As much as from cellular deterioration and loss of tissue elasticity, aging results from alteration of personal identity and self-concept.

At least as long as the Baby Boomers are reasonably young, American consumerism will continue to make youth seem like a treasure to be carefully preserved. We homosexuals are not the only ones who are engaged in the battle with time. In an article in the October 1983 Esquire, David Hellerstein bemoans the psychological damage that occurs "When Men Won't Grow Up." Hellerstein, apparently a psychiatrist, a heterosexual and a member of the Baby Boom generation, reports on an epidemic of the "Peter Pan Complex" among his contemporaries. Hellerstein cites the work of Jungian psychoanalyst Marie-Louise von Franz, who elaborated Jung's notion of the archetype of the puer aeternus ("eternal boy"). According to Von Franz, "puers" are delightful men. They are charming and enthusiastic, adventurous and open to new ideas. Internally they are often intensely spiritual and externally caught up in social causes. They are sometimes remarkably successful. But they generally feel restless, dissatisfied, inadequate and unfulfilled—because their dreams are so much greater than the reality they see—and occasionally suicidal.

Puers make poor husbands and fathers, since they are apt to run off on new adventures. Domesticity is for them a vice that threatens both their freedom and their integrity. Their greatest problem is loving and being loved. Hellerstein explains that puers are afraid of making commitments; they don't want to give up adolescent freedom; they resent being pushed to choose some options and exclude others. They have great expectations for the future of what they'll do, whom they'll love and who will love them, but frequently they lack the wherewithal to fulfill their fantasies.

In the psychoanalytic literature, the qualities and shortcomings of these men are explained as "narcissism." Frequently homosexuality is cited as one of the shortcomings of the puer aeternus. It is to Hellerstein's credit that he makes no references to homosexuality (though he'd be myopic not to see that gay culture exemplifies the psychodynamics he describes). Hellerstein, in fact, dismisses the old psychoanalytic characterizations and explains the currency of the puer personality as a cultural phenomenon: "It's not that these men are immature but that the world has changed: the solutions of previous generations don't really work anymore."

The problems that Hellerstein sees among heterosexual men now in their mid 30s are problems that, perhaps for slightly different reasons, gay men are facing collectively. The health crisis—this sudden confrontation with mortality, this demand that we make choices and limit our options—is forcing us to assess the roles of sex, love and relationships, and to seek new models for gay life. For us too, love is a primary issue in our experience of growing old. Our culture has been so focused on vitality and sexiness that, at least according to the view popularized in our media and in our culture-shaping institutions, we seem to have dismissed love in favor of fleeting sexual infatuations. We've appeared to judge our partners and ourselves less on personal lovableness than on physical attractiveness. Because it promises to take away our sexiness, aging represents a massive threat.

There's recently been a rebirth of interest in relationships among gay men. AIDS has made monogamy look attractive and prolific promiscuity (lionized in the porn industry, if not actually lived by most homosexuals) look lethal. The media-presented image is changing. Andrew Mattison and David McWhirter, the new gurus of relationship, estimate that 50% of homosexuals are in lover-type relationships. (That's a startling statistic—not that it's wrong, but that it calls into question how we've thought of ourselves and how our culture has presented us to ourselves.)

One aspect of the health crisis—and one of the reasons why it discomfits even those of us who don't seem to be likely candidates for AIDS-is that it is forcing us to face our mortality. Of course, it is true that AIDS is really killing people. But it is also true that men like Larry Kramer, who have done so much to alert the community by describing their shock at seeing their friends die, would have begun noticing deaths around them anyway, simply because they've reached the age at which friends and peers do die. That is to say that not only are we having to face adjustment of our sexual mores, we are having to face adjustment to the reality of time—an adjustment this "first generation of gay men," and this whole society influenced by the consumption patterns of the Baby Boomers and by the dizzying speed of modern life, have been trying to avoid.

As Hellerstein comments: "The solutions of previous generations don't really work anymore." We are casting about for new models of living and especially of sexualizing and loving.

That "gay men have a difficult time with love" is an old chestnut. It is true but seems to say something it really doesn't: that gay men have a more difficult time with love than heterosexuals do. That probably is not true. It's just that the heterosexual relationships and styles of loving that are touted as models for everyone look so different from homosexual ones that ours seem to suffer in comparison. In fact, gay men have developed some remarkably adaptive, sophisticated, and nonneurotic styles of relationship that surpass the heterosexual norm.

The major difference, of course, between the two sexual orientations is the purpose and function of sex, love and relationship. Heterosexuality implies childrearing. Rules (exclusivity, persistence, custom, etc.) guarantee patrilinearity, family stability and social acceptance. The presence of children—both potentially and actually—changes things totally. After a child arrives, the identities of the adults change. They cease to be lovers and start to be parents. Their relationship is freed up from the pressure of intense intimacy. The joint relationship with the child substitutes for the relationship between the two of them. The love they each express for the child is seen as an expression of love for each other and, at least in theory, holds them together. As their identities change, their self-perceptions change. They begin to see themselves as parents; they begin to feel appropriately older. Their sexual projection is less central to their experience.

Most homosexual men do not experience this transition into the parental, elder identity. Attraction, desire and need for self-affirmation (to allay feelings of inadequacy that may be symptoms of "internalized homophobia") continue to be motivations for seeking sex and love. Sexual projection remains centrally important.

To deal successfully with the double dilemma of AIDS and aging we need to change our self-concepts and develop support networks consistent with these new selves.

One solution to our dilemmas may be inferred from the sociobiologists' theory of homosexuality. Very loosely, they argue that in the old-time extended family—children, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins all living in close proximity—nonreproducing members too played a genetically selected role that enhanced racial survival. Homosexual men and women were "good uncles" and "spinster aunts" who acted as role models and guided children in exploration of the world without embroiling them in such emotionally and psychologically complex relationships as those with their parents.

That extended family gives a good model of a support system that includes people of various ages in various forms of relationship—some sexual, some not; some biological, some not. Isn't that what many gay friendship networks look like? And aren't the appropriate nephews for our gay "good uncles" young homosexuals seeking initiation into gay culture?

Being a good uncle over time to a young man (or good aunt to a young woman) allows an adult to observe the maturing process, to identify as an elder, and to feel properly ensconced in time, with a past and a future through which to move with grace. It allows the youth to profit from the experience of the adult and to find a role model for living gay life. The older person brings to the relationship wisdom, knowledge, consistency and stability; the younger adventurousness, spontaneity, youth and sexual vitality.

In doing our study of teen-age hustlers, Toby Marotta and I found intergenerational relationships based on the "good uncle" model fairly common. But more familiar to most of us are those based on the Romeo-and-Juliet limerence model. These romantic relationships are problematic. The partners simply aren't equal. The adult is not the adolescent peer he'd like to imagine himself. The expectations are contradictory. The adult often becomes a daddy when he wants to be received as a lover, to prove to himself that he hasn't really grown old; yet the youth is attracted to him precisely for his age and not for his sexy youthfulness. The adult's need is for assurance and security; the youth's for liberation, adventure and variety. The sexual implications are different.

Mattison and McWhirter have found that an age difference of seven to fifteen years enhances relationship; they report that the age difference "cuts down on competition and makes it less worrisome for the couple to give and take and trade." This suggests that the age difference is comfortably acknowledged; the problems occur when it is denied.

The adult must identify as an adult, exercise and demonstrate responsibility, and not be manipulated. Contrary to popular beliefs, in such relationships it is generally the young person who possesses power—if only because he often controls the sex. He may simply not be equipped to exercise such power over an adult.

The "good uncle"/"good aunt" relationship is not necessarily nonsexual (though this certainly depends on the actual age of the youth; there are bottom limits): Sex is one of the things young homosexuals need to learn about. Sex may be part of the exchange that every relationship is necessarily premised on. But the sex is not the center of the relationship. The center of the relationship is, for the adult, the opportunity to participate in the youth's maturation and to alter his or her own self-concept so that aging becomes a grace instead of a curse.

Developing good uncle relationships with younger gay men—or even with actual nephews—may not suffice. Aging is difficult. Professional assistance may be needed. Across the country there are gay-identified psychotherapists who have honed their professional and interpersonal skills so they can be of service to gay people facing dilemmas that are specific to us. Alcoholism, drug abuse, and depression are serious problems in our community that frequently result from failures in making necessary and natural transitions through the stages of life. Our community's affluence is wasted if we don't spend some of it on professional assistance in improving the quality of our own selves, instead of spending all of it on gimmicks that promise unconvincingly to put off the inevitability of aging.

The obligation we all bear towards our souls is to learn to accept our bodies' aging, to envision positive and loving futures for ourselves in which we will still be loved and valued and in which we will have more to recommend us than just the freshness and sexiness of our bodies. Unless we really do prefer to stay pretty and die young, we need to prepare for future stages of our lives and to learn to watch with gratitude and gladness as our replacements on this earth grow into the men and women we once were ourselves. One of the most remarkable things about the gay liberation movement has been its continued intention to make the world better for future generations, even at great cost to our present selves. The greatest cost of all is of our very identities. This is precisely the one time demands.

Edwin Clark (Toby) Johnson's In Search of God in the Sexual Underworld: A Mystical Journey was published last summer. He says he's started wearing coat and tie to remind himself he's grown up now.

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Toby Johnson, PhD is author of eight books: three non-fiction books that apply the wisdom of his teacher and "wise old man," Joseph Campbell to modern-day social and religious problems, three gay genre novels that dramatize spiritual issues at the heart of gay identity, and two books on gay men's spiritualities and the mystical experience of homosexuality. In addition to the novels featured elsewhere in this web site, Johnson is author of IN SEARCH OF GOD IN THE SEXUAL UNDERWORLD and THE MYTH OF THE GREAT SECRET (Revised edition): AN APPRECIATION OF JOSEPH CAMPBELL.

Johnson's Lammy Award winning book GAY SPIRITUALITY: The Role of Gay Identity in the Transformation of Human Consciousness was published in 2000. His Lammy-nominated book  GAY PERSPECTIVE: Things Our Homosexuality Tells Us about the Nature of God and the Universe was published by Alyson in 2003. Both books are available now from Lethe Press.

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