Mesosexual Ideal

I'd like to suggest a new term: "mesosexual," meaning "in the middle."
That is, in the middle of the continuum between heterosexual and homosexual.

I'm sure this idea applies to women as well as men, but let me stick to discussing it as a male phenomenon (like the "metrosexual" phenomenon).

Most men are going to be heterosexual; they're going to fall in love with women, desire sex with women, understand sexuality to be about reproduction, look forward to fatherhood, and consider the male virtues of strength and productiveness, ambition and success as important values.

But being heterosexual doesn't have to mean rejecting all that is even vaguely related to homosexuality.

A straight man who is comfortable with his sexuality doesn't have to defend his heterosexuality by opposing homosexuality or the gay virtues of sensitivity, gentleness, love of beauty, and noncompetitiveness.

Indeed, a straight man comfortable with being straight ought to be able to embrace his gay friend if the friend is sad and needs a hug; indeed, he ought to be able to enjoy a little sexplay with his gay friend, understanding this isn't about "love and attraction to females" as about the playfulness of being embodied and interest in what other human beings find important.

Such a straight man might be called "mesosexual."

I think that's a good goal for masculinity in modern urbanized society. All men should be interested in their appearance, motivated to keep their bodies in shape, educated in what kind of clothes to wear, how to cook for themselves, and how to keep their surroundings attractive and pleasing. All men should be tender and sensitive and compassionate. All men should be happy for other people--other men--who follow their bliss and discover their deepest feelings, even when those feelings are homosexually-oriented.

The "metrosexual" term is a little too close to the silliness and hype of the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy TV show and too focused on big city living, and maybe too limited to style and appearance (based mainly in size of expenditure of money).

But the idea is a good one.

There is absolutely no reason why homosexuality and heterosexuality should seem at odds, any more than chocolate and vanilla are at odds with each other.

I think the general "gayification of culture" has had the very positive effect of making it ok for straight men to relax and allow their so-called feminine side to exist along with their masculine side.

Making gay men "heroes" of the culture as style setters and arbiters of taste changes the role models for all men, making sensitivity and tenderness in men acceptable virtues--as they should be.

As we enter the truly modern -- and post modern and post post-modern -- world, it's time we get over belligerence and violence and injurious competitiveness.

AND making sex playful--rather than always so seriously involved with reproduction--helps mental health and offers adventure. This is an important contribution of gay culture: that sex need not be so serious.

Regarding Joseph Campbell, I don't think any of these terms particularly apply because he lived, flourishied, and died before any of these terms had any meaning. BUT he was certainly a man of culture and dignity and kindness and compassion. Those really were old time virtues.

The "macho man" and the warrior and fierce competitor get attention in the movies, but those have never really been proper roles in polite society.

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Certainly one of the real contributions of the gay rights struggle is to demonstrate that human beings can live full lives without having children. AND maybe also to help "regular guys" be less uptight about affection and feelings.

Let me share this positive comment I received about this posting from a straight--mesosexual?--man

Dr. Johnson

    I just finished reading your post about metrosexuality and I must say it hits the nail on the head.

    I am heterosexual, I have several homosexual friends around whom I feel totally comfortable.

    I feel we (men) need to drop some of our defenses and just enjoy each other as people without all the hang ups about how our actions are perceived.

    How ridiculous is this? My brother in law (heterosexual--our wives are biological sisters) just started feeling comfortable recently hugging me after almost 20 years of knowing each other. Hey maybe some day we'll actually give each other a kiss!

    I am blessed in that I have many heterosexual friends who do not faint at being intimate with me. Let me share one. I have a friend, Scott, who is happily married with two children and is completely "straight" sexually. Recently my wife and I spent an evening at his home, dinner, conversation, an adult's night out if you will. We were saying out good night's. Scott and I did the man thing, shaking hands. Then we gave each other an intimate hug (which we've done before), following by a passionate but not sexual kiss on the lips. My first thought was, "Oh my God, we are doing this in front of our wives. What must they be thinking?" My wife said nothing about it, so I felt safe.

    The next time the four of us got together, I was alone with Scott's wife, helping with serving some refreshments. Her comment to me was "I wish you and Scott would feel free to display your love (friendship) for each other more often. I know how deeply you care for each other.." I almost dropped after hearing her remark, but it made a lot of sense.

Toby Johnson, PhD is author of eight books: three non-fiction books that apply the wisdom of his teacher and "wise old man," Joseph Campbell to modern-day social and religious problems, three gay genre novels that dramatize spiritual issues at the heart of gay identity, and two books on gay men's spiritualities and the mystical experience of homosexuality. In addition to the novels featured elsewhere in this web site, Johnson is author of IN SEARCH OF GOD IN THE SEXUAL UNDERWORLD and THE MYTH OF THE GREAT SECRET (Revised edition): AN APPRECIATION OF JOSEPH CAMPBELL.

Johnson's Lammy Award winning book GAY SPIRITUALITY: The Role of Gay Identity in the Transformation of Human Consciousness was published in 2000.

His Lammy-nominated book GAY PERSPECTIVE: Things Our Homosexuality Tells Us about the Nature of God and the Universe was published by Alyson in 2003.