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FINDING
YOUR OWN TRUE MYTH: What I Learned
from Joseph Campbell: The
Myth
of the
Great Secret
III
FINDING
GOD IN THE SEXUAL UNDERWORLD: The Journey Expanded
GAY
SPIRITUALITY:
The Role of Gay Identity in the Transformation of Human Consciousness
GAY PERSPECTIVE:
Things Our Homosexuality Tells Us about the Nature of God and the
Universe
SECRET MATTER, a sci-fi novel with
wonderful "aliens" with an
Afterword by Mark Jordan
GETTING
LIFE IN PERSPECTIVE:
A
Fantastical Gay Romance set in two different time periods
THE FOURTH QUILL, a
novel about attitudinal healing and the problem of evil
TWO SPIRITS: A Story of Life with
the
Navajo, a collaboration with Walter L. Williams
CHARMED
LIVES: Spinning Straw into
Gold: GaySpirit in Storytelling, a collaboration with
Steve Berman and some 30 other writers
THE MYTH OF THE GREAT
SECRET:
An
Appreciation of Joseph Campbell
IN SEARCH OF GOD IN THE
SEXUAL UNDERWORLD: A Mystical Journey
Unpublished manuscripts
About ordering
Books on
Gay Spirituality:
White
Crane Gay Spirituality Series
Articles
and Excerpts:
Review of
Samuel
Avery's The
Dimensional Structure of Consciousness
Funny
Coincidence: "Aliens Settle in San Francisco"
About Liberty Books, the
Lesbian/Gay Bookstore for Austin, 1986-1996 with a list of topics in
Austin LGBT History
The Simple Answer to the Gay Marriage Debate
A
Bifurcation of Gay Spirituality
Why gay people should NOT Marry
The Scriptural Basis for
Same Sex Marriage
Toby and Kip Get Married
Wedding Cake Liberation
Gay Marriage in Texas
What's ironic
Shame on the American People
The "highest form of love"
Gay
Consciousness
Why homosexuality is a sin
The cause of homosexuality
The
origins of homophobia
Advice to
Future Gay
Historians
Q&A
about Jungian ideas in gay consciousness
What
is homosexuality?
What
is Gay Spirituality?
My three
messages
What is Gay
Perspective?
What
Jesus said about Gay
Rights
Myths, Salvation and the Great
Secret with Rich Grzesiak
Queering
religion
Common
Experiences Unique to Gay
Men
Is there a "uniquely gay
perspective"?
The
purpose of homosexuality
Interview on the Nature of
Homosexuality
What the Bible Says about
Homosexuality
Mesosexual
Ideal for Straight Men
Varieties
of Gay Spirituality
Waves
of Gay Liberation Activity
The Gay Succession
Wouldn’t You Like to Be Uranian?
The Reincarnation of
Edward Carpenter
Queer
men, myths and Reincarnation
Was I (or you) at
Stonewall?
Why Gay Spirituality: Spirituality
as Artistic Medium
Easton Mountain Retreat Center
Andrew Harvey &
Spiritual Activism
The Mysticism of
Andrew Harvey
The
upsidedown book on MSNBC
Enlightenment
"It's
Always About You"
The myth of the Bodhisattva
Avalokitesvara
Joseph
Campbell's description of
Avalokiteshvara
The Nature of
Suffering and The Four Quills
You're
Not A Wave
Joseph Campbell Talks
about Aging
Toby's Experience of
Zen
What is Enlightenment?
What is reincarnation?
What happens at Death?
How many lifetimes in an
ego?
Emptiness & Religious Ideas
Experiencing experiencing experiencing
Going into the Light
Meditations for a Funeral
Meditation Practice
The way to get to heaven
Buddha's father was right
What Anatman means
Advice to Travelers to India
& Nepal
The Danda Nata
& goddess Kalika
A Funny Story:
The Rug Salesmen of Istanbul
Nate Berkus is a bodhisattva
John Boswell was Immanuel Kant
Cutting
edge realization
The Myth of the
Wanderer
Change: Source of
Suffering & of Bliss
World Navel
What the Vows Really
Mean
Sex in the Seminary
Manifesting
from the Subtle Realms
The Three-layer
Cake
& the Multiverse
The
est Training and Personal Intention
Effective
Dreaming in Ursula LeGuin's The Lathe of Heaven
Drawing a Long Straw:
Ketamine at the Mann Ranch
Alan Watts &
Multiple Solipsism
How
I Learned Chakra Meditation
Je ne Regrette
Rien
Gay
Spirituality
Curious
Bodies
What
Toby Johnson Believes
The
Joseph Campbell Connection
A Surprising Dinner Party
The
Mann Ranch (& Rich Gabrielson)
Campbell
& The Pre/Trans Fallacy
The
Two Loves
The
Nature of Religion
What's true about
Religion
Being
Gay is a Blessing
Drawing Long Straws
Freedom
of Religion
The
Gay Agenda
Gay
Saintliness
Gay
Spiritual Functions
The subtle workings of the spirit
in gay men's lives.
The Sinfulness of
Homosexuality
Proposal
for a study of gay nondualism
Priestly Sexuality
Having a Church to
Leave
Harold Cole on Beauty
Marian Doctrines:
Immaculate Conception & Assumption
Not lashed to the
prayer-post
Monastic or Chaste
Homosexuality
The Monastic Schedule: a whimsy
Is It Time to Grow
Up? Confronting
the Aging Process
Notes on Licking
(July, 1984)
Redeem Orlando
Gay Consciousness changing
the
world by Shokti LoveStar
Alexander Renault
interviews Toby
Johnson
Mystical Vision
"The
Evolution of Gay Identity"
"St. John of the
Cross & the Dark Night of
the Soul."
Avalokiteshvara
at the Baths
Eckhart's Eye
Let Me
Tell You a Secret
Religious
Articulations of the
Secret
The
Collective Unconscious
Driving as
Spiritual Practice
Meditation
Historicity
as Myth
Pilgrimage
No
Stealing
Next
Step in Evolution
The
New Myth
The Moulting of the Holy Ghost
Gaia
is a Bodhisattva
Sex with God
Merging Religion and Sex
Revolution
Through
Consciousness Change: GSV 2019
God as Metaphor
More Metaphors for God
A non-personal
metaphor God
Jesus and the Wedding Feast
Tonglen in the Radisson Varanasi
The
Closet of Horrors
What is Truth?
The Hero's
Journey
The
Hero's Journey as archetype -- GSV 2016
The Gay Hero Journey
(shortened)
You're
On Your Own
Superheroes
Seeing
Differently
Teenage
Prostitution and the Nature of Evil
Allah
Hu: "God is present here"
Adam
and Steve
The Life is
in the Blood
Gay retirement and the "freelance
monastery"
Seeing with
Different Eyes
Facing
the Edge: AIDS as an occasion for spiritual wisdom
What
are you looking for in a gay science fiction novel?
A Different Take on Leathersex
Seeing
Pornography Differently
The Vision
The
mystical experience at the Servites' Castle in Riverside
A Most Remarkable
Synchronicity in
Riverside
The
Great Dance according to C.S.Lewis
The Techniques Of The
World Saviors
Part 1: Brer Rabbit and the
Tar-Baby
Part 2: The
Bodhisattva Avalokiteshvara
Part 3: Jesus
and the Resurrection
Part 4: A
Course in Miracles
The
Secret of the Clear Light
Understanding
the Clear Light
Mobius
Strip
Finding
Your
Tiger Face
How Gay Souls Get Reincarnated
Joseph
Campbell, the Hero's Journey, and the modern Gay Hero-- a five part
presentation on YouTube
About Alien Abduction
In
honor of Sir Arthur C Clarke
Karellen was a homosexual
The
D.A.F.O.D.I.L. Alliance
Intersections
with the movie When We Rise
More
about Gay Mental Health
Psych
Tech Training
Toby
at the California Institute
The
Rainbow Flag
Ideas for gay
mythic stories
My first Peace March
Toby
Marotta & Sons of Harvard
Toby
Marotta's Politics of Homosexuality
People
Kip and Toby,
Activists
Toby's
friend and nicknamesake Toby Marotta.
Harry
Hay, Founder of the gay movement
About Hay and The New Myth
About
Karl
Heinrich Ulrichs, the first
man to really "come out"
About Michael Talbot, gay mystic
About Fr. Bernard Lynch
About Richard Baltzell
About Guy Mannheimer
About Bill
About David Weyrauch
About
Dennis Paddie
About Ask the Fire
About
Arthur Evans
About
Christopher Larkin
About Mark Thompson
About Sterling Houston
About Michael Stevens
The Alamo Business
Council
Our friend Tom Nash
Our friend Cliff Douglas
Second March on
Washington
The
Gay
Spirituality Summit in May 2004 and the "Statement
of Spirituality"
Book
Reviews
Be Done on Earth by Howard
E. Cook
Pay Me What I'm Worth by
Souldancer
The Way Out by Christopher
L Nutter
The Gay Disciple by John Henson
Art That Dares by Kittredge Cherry
Coming Out, Coming Home by Kennth
A. Burr
Extinguishing
the Light by B. Alan Bourgeois
Over Coffee: A conversation
For Gay
Partnership & Conservative Faith by D.a. Thompson
Dark Knowledge
by
Kenneth Low
Janet Planet by
Eleanor
Lerman
The
Kairos by Paul E. Hartman
Wrestling
with Jesus by D.K.Maylor
Kali Rising by Rudolph
Ballentine
The
Missing Myth by Gilles Herrada
The
Secret of the Second Coming by Howard E. Cook
The Scar Letters: A
Novel
by Richard Alther
The
Future is Queer by Labonte & Schimel
Missing Mary
by Charlene Spretnak
Gay
Spirituality 101 by Joe Perez
Cut Hand: A
Nineteeth Century Love Story on the American Frontier by Mark Wildyr
Radiomen
by Eleanor Lerman
Nights
at
Rizzoli by Felice Picano
The Key
to Unlocking the Closet Door by Chelsea Griffo
The Door
of the Heart by Diana Finfrock Farrar
Occam’s
Razor by David Duncan
Grace
and
Demion by Mel White
Gay Men and The New Way Forward by Raymond L.
Rigoglioso
The
Dimensional Stucture of Consciousness by Samuel Avery
The
Manly Pursuit of Desire and Love by Perry Brass
Love
Together: Longtime Male Couples on Healthy Intimacy and Communication
by Tim Clausen
War
Between Materialism and Spiritual by Jean-Michel Bitar
The
Serpent's Gift: Gnostic Reflections on the Study of Religion by
Jeffrey J. Kripal
Esalen:
America and the Religion of No Religion by Jeffrey J. Kripal
The
Invitation to Love by
Darren Pierre
Brain,
Consciousness, and God: A Lonerganian Integration by Daniel A
Helminiak
A
Walk with Four Spiritual Guides by Andrew Harvey
Can
Christians Be Saved? by Stephenson & Rhodes
The
Lost Secrets of the Ancient Mystery Schools by Stephenson &
Rhodes
Keys to
Spiritual
Being: Energy Meditation and Synchronization Exercises by Adrian
Ravarour
In
Walt We
Trust by John Marsh
Solomon's
Tantric Song by Rollan McCleary
A
Special Illumination by Rollan McCleary
Aelred's
Sin
by Lawrence Scott
Fruit
Basket
by Payam Ghassemlou
Internal
Landscapes by John Ollom
Princes
& Pumpkins by David Hatfield Sparks
Yes by Brad
Boney
Blood
of the Goddess by William Schindler
Roads of Excess,
Palaces of
Wisdom by Jeffrey Kripal
Evolving
Dharma by Jay Michaelson
Jesus
in Salome's Lot by Brett W. Gillette
The
Man Who Loved Birds by Fenton Johnson
The
Vatican Murders by Lucien Gregoire
"Sex Camp"
by
Brian McNaught
Out
& About with Brewer & Berg
Episode
One: Searching for a New Mythology
The
Soul Beneath the Skin by David Nimmons
Out
on
Holy Ground by Donald Boisvert
The
Revotutionary Psychology of Gay-Centeredness by Mitch Walker
Out There
by Perry Brass
The Crucifixion of Hyacinth by Geoff Puterbaugh
The
Silence of Sodom by Mark D Jordan
It's
Never About What It's About by Krandall Kraus and Paul Borja
ReCreations,
edited by Catherine Lake
Gospel: A
Novel
by WIlton Barnhard
Keeping
Faith: A Skeptic’s Journey by Fenton Johnson
Dating
the Greek Gods by Brad Gooch
Telling
Truths in Church by Mark D. Jordan
The
Substance of God by Perry Brass
The
Tomcat Chronicles by Jack Nichols
10
Smart
Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives by Joe Kort
Jesus and the Shamanic Tradition of Same Sex Love
by Will Roscoe
The
Third Appearance by Walter Starcke
The Last Hours of Ancient Sunlight by Thom Hartmann
Surviving
and Thriving After a Life-Threatening Diagnosis by Bev Hall
Men,
Homosexuality, and the Gods by Ronald Long
An Interview
with Ron Long
Queering Creole Spiritual Traditons by Randy
Conner & David Sparks
An Interview with
Randy Conner
Pain,
Sex
and Time by Gerald Heard
Sex
and the Sacred by Daniel Helminiak
Blessing
Same-Sex Unions by Mark Jordan
Rising Up
by
Joe Perez
Soulfully
Gay
by Joe Perez
That
Undeniable Longing by Mark Tedesco
Vintage: A
Ghost
Story by
Steve Berman
Wisdom
for the Soul by Larry Chang
MM4M a DVD
by Bruce Grether
Double
Cross
by David Ranan
The
Transcended Christian by Daniel Helminiak
Jesus
in Love by Kittredge Cherry
In
the Eye of the Storm by Gene Robinson
The
Starry Dynamo by Sven Davisson
Life
in
Paradox by Fr Paul Murray
Spirituality for Our Global Community by Daniel
Helminiak
Gay & Healthy in a Sick Society by Robert A.
Minor
Coming Out: Irish Gay Experiences by Glen O'Brien
Queering
Christ
by Robert Goss
Skipping
Towards Gomorrah by Dan Savage
The
Flesh of the Word by Richard A Rosato
Catland by
David Garrett Izzo
Tantra
for Gay Men by Bruce Anderson
Yoga
&
the Path of the Urban Mystic by Darren Main
Simple
Grace
by Malcolm Boyd
Seventy
Times Seven by Salvatore Sapienza
What
Does "Queer" Mean Anyway? by Chris Bartlett
Critique of Patriarchal Reasoning by Arthur Evans
Gift
of
the Soul by Dale Colclasure & David Jensen
Legend of the Raibow Warriors by Steven McFadden
The
Liar's
Prayer by Gregory Flood
Lovely
are the Messengers by Daniel Plasman
The Human Core of Spirituality by Daniel Helminiak
3001:
The Final Odyssey by Arthur C. Clarke
Religion and the Human Sciences by Daniel Helminiak
Only
the
Good Parts by Daniel Curzon
Four
Short
Reviews of Books with a Message
Life
Interrupted by Michael Parise
Confessions of a Murdered Pope by Lucien Gregoire
The
Stargazer's Embassy by Eleanor Lerman
Conscious
Living, Conscious Aging by Ron Pevny
Footprints Through the Desert by Joshua Kauffman
True
Religion by J.L. Weinberg
The Mediterranean Universe by John Newmeyer
Everything
is God by Jay Michaelson
Reflection
by Dennis Merritt
Everywhere
Home by Fenton Johnson
Hard Lesson by James
Gaston
God
vs Gay?
by Jay Michaelson
The
Gate
of Tears: Sadness and the Spiritual Path by Jay Michaelson
Roxie
&
Fred by Richard Alther
Not
the Son He Expected by Tim Clausen
The
9 Realities of Stardust by Bruce P. Grether
The
Afterlife Revolution by Anne & Whitley Strieber
AIDS
Shaman:
Queer Spirit Awakening by Shokti Lovestar
Facing the Truth of Your Life by Merle Yost
The
Super Natural by Whitley Strieber & Jeffrey J Kripal
Secret
Body by
Jeffrey J Kripal
In
Hitler's
House by Jonathan Lane
Walking on Glory by Edward Swift
The
Paradox
of Porn by Don Shewey
Is Heaven for Real? by Lucien Gregoire
In
Search of Lost Lives by Michael Goddart
Queer
Magic by Tomas Prower
God
in Your Body by Jay Michaelson
Science
Whispering Spirit by Gary Preuss
Friends
of Dorothy by Dee Michel
New by
Whitley Strieber
Developing Supersensible Perception by Shelli
Renee Joye
Sage
Sapien by Johnson Chong
Tarot
of the Future by Arthur Rosengarten
Brothers
Across Time by Brad Boney
Impresario
of Castro Street by Marc Huestis
Deathless
by Andrew Ramer
The
Pagan Heart of the West, Vol 1 by
Randy P. Conner
Practical
Tantra by William Schindler
The Flip
by Jeffrey J. Kripal
A New World
by Whitley Strieber
Bernhard
& LightWing by Damien Rowse
The
Mountains of Paris by David Oates
Trust
Truth by Trudie Barreras
How to be an Excellent Human Being by Bill Meacham
The
Deviant's War by Eric Cervini
What
Is the Grass by Mark Doty
Sex
with God by Suzanne DeWitt Hall
The Sum of All the Pieces by Paul Bradford
All the Time in the World by J. Lee Graham
Jonas and the Mountain by Janis Harper
Two
Hearts Dancing by Eli Andrew Ramer
Where's
My Pizza? by Larry Armstead II
A New Now by
Michael Goddart
Heavenly
Homos, Etc by Jan Haen
The Erotic Contemplative by Michael Bernard Kelly
Our Time by Chuck
Forester
Queer
God de Amor by Miguel H. Diaz
I Came Here Seeking a Person by William Glenn
Memories of a Gay Catholic Boyhood by John
D'Emilio
Happily Ever After by Andrew Ramer
Meditation for Prisoners by Lewis Elbinger
Scissors,
Paper, Rock by Fenton Johnson
Toby
Johnson's
Books on Gay Men's Spiritualities:
Gay Perspective
Things Our
[Homo]sexuality
Tells Us
about the
Nature of God and
the Universe
Gay
Perspective is available as an audiobook narrated
by Matthew Whitfield. Click
here
Gay Spirituality
Gay Identity
and
the Transformation
of
Human Consciousness
Gay
Spirituality is now
available as an audiobook, beautifully narrated by John Sipple. Click here
Charmed
Lives: Gay Spirit in Storytelling
edited by
Toby Johnson
& Steve Berman
Secret
Matter
Lammy Award Winner
for Gay
Science Fiction
updated
Getting Life in
Perspective
A Fantastical
Romance
Getting
Life in Perspective is available as an
audiobook narrated by Alex Beckham. Click
here
The Fourth Quill
originally
published
as
PLAGUE
The Fourth Quill
is
available
as an audiobook, narrated by Jimmie
Moreland. Click here
Two Spirits: A Story of
Life
with the Navajo
with Walter L.
Williams
 Two
Spirits is available as an
audiobook narrated by Arthur Raymond. Click
here
Finding
Your Own True Myth: What I Learned from Joseph
Campbell
The
Myth
of the
Great Secret III
In Search of God in the Sexual Underworld
Finding
God In The Sexual Underworld: The Journey
Expanded
2020 Revised Version
The Myth of the Great
Secret: An Appreciation of Joseph Campbell.
This
was the second edition of this book.
Toby
Johnson's
titles are
available in other ebook formats from Smashwords.
|
Innocent, if troubled, erotic love in the seminary.
Getting Life in Perspective
by Toby Johnson
Peregrine Ventures
288 pages, paperback,
$15.00
ISBN: 978-1727097023
Available from Amazon
Getting Life in Perspective
An episode in the novel GETTING LIFE IN PERSPECTIVE.
This is set in the late 1800s in a fictional Catholic seminary in the Midwest.
Seminary life wasn’t exactly what Ben had
envisioned. St. Athanasius’ ran a dairy and huge farm that was more
work than his father’s. Prayers went on day and night, but he was
seldom alone with the saints and angels or the Blessed Mother. There
were always other seminarians around. And they were always dressed in
black. No red and gold and green robes. Not yet anyway. And when he
finally got to touch the statue of Christ, the painted flesh was cold
and hard and unyielding. It offered no comfort to Ben’s own warm skin.
Occasionally there’d be holidays when the seminarians would not have to
work and pray all day. On hot summer days the priests would sometimes
let them go down to the swimming hole in the creek behind the property.
They were, of course, supposed to wear decent swimming suits that
covered their bodies from mid-thigh to mid-bicep or the linen chemises
they called “monastic underwear.” But, after all, the seminary was in
the middle of Indiana; most of the seminarians were farm-boys; and so,
when Father Master wasn’t along to oversee their play, some of the boys
stripped down to shorts or even nothing at all.
Ben loved the solemnity of the place, the haunting chants and richly
melodic hymns they sang long into the star-studded nights. But he also
loved the chance to get away from the dark halls of the seminary and
the onerous work of the farm. And when they had a chance to go swimming
he loved to see the other seminarians play in the water of the swimming
hole. He’d think of them all as disembodied souls finally in heaven, at
play in the fields of the Lord. And that thought would take his mind
off the burning, slightly sick, but gnawingly pleasurable sensation in
his abdomen that seemed to arise whenever Father Master hadn’t come
along and the dress requirements were innocently violated.
One afternoon in the spring of his third year, when there was a meeting
for priests of the Order from miles around, morning classes and
afternoon work were dismissed and the seminarians were given what they
called “free recreation” which meant they could do whatever they wanted
so long as they didn’t leave the property, go to their rooms in the
dormitory, or “violate any laws of God or man,” Father Master had joked
when he sent them off for a day of play.
It was unseasonably warm, warm enough for the first time this year to
dare the swimming hole, Ben thought. When he arrived he found several
others had already had the same idea. He ducked into one of the wooden
cubicles built for dressing rooms a few dozen yards from the creek and
changed into the white chemise he usually wore for swimming. As he was
coming out, he saw that one of the older seminarians, a third year
scholastic named Brother Jeremy Bates, had climbed up on the diving
board and was making an announcement.
“The Novicemaster asked me to come watch over you boys, make sure you
don’t get into any trouble down here.” (Ben knew when a scholastic gave
orders the younger boys obeyed. That training was part of learning the
obedience that the Jesuits proclaimed their special virtue.)
“Today,” Brother Jeremy continued, “I’m proclaiming a bare-bottoms day. All you guys, get those swim suits off.”
Ben felt a rush of embarrassment. Even on the days when the Master
wasn’t around and he’d allowed himself to go bare-chested, he worn a
pair of baggy trunks. He knew that sometimes the scholastics would do
something like this, kind of as a hazing. But he didn’t like it. In
almost four years it had never happened to him before. He didn’t like
what Brother Jeremy was doing. He started to turn around and go change
back into his clothes. Just then he heard his name.
“’Specially you guys in those silly chemises. You, Brother Ben,” Jeremy
Bates shouted, “you look like a girl. This ain’t the middle ages
anymore.”
“Look, Brother, I don’t have to obey an order like that from you. It’s a violation of religious modesty.”
Bates deflected the argument. “What you got to hide under there? C’mon, let’s see.”
“Yeah, Ben. Be a sport,” a classmate of Ben’s shouted from the water.
He’d already stripped naked. Ben turned to look toward him and felt
that awful burning in his abdomen at the sight of the boy’s pale but
muscled physique.
Ben turned for support to one of his closest friends, a boy named Jack.
Brother Jeremy seemed to anticipate Ben’s reaction. “Hey, Ben, you got
a ‘particular friendship’ with Jack there?” He used the ecclesiastical
euphemism for an illicit sexual or emotional relationship between
religious. “’Fraid we’ll all see a little ‘reaction’ ’tween you two.”
“C’mon, Ben,” Jack said, obviously forced into siding against him.
“Let him take off his clothes then,” Ben said defensively to Jack.
“Sure thing,” Brother Jeremy answered from his perch on the diving platform. “I got nothing to hide.”
Ben stood there, burning with embarrassment, humiliated now whatever he
did. Struggling to maintain some dignity, he crossed his arms in front
of him and stuck out his chin, waiting for Jeremy Bates to obey his own
command.
******
There were very strict rules about the seminarians’ behavior in the
dormitory. Each had a private room, with nothing in it but a small desk
with a single candle on it, a kneeler for praying before the picture of
the Sacred Heart of Jesus hung on the wall, a chair, a low chest with
two drawers, and a bed. At the threshold of the door was painted an
inch-wide white line. Nobody, nobody was allowed to pass over that line
except the occupant of the room or, in unusual circumstances, the
Master of Students.
The seminarians spent very little time in their rooms. Other than for
sleep, of course, they were there only to change clothes after work
periods. During Lent, before going to sleep, they would take a small
braided leather thong called a “discipline” from the bottom drawer of
the chest and kneel before the Sacred Heart and, fixing their eyes on
the picture, lash themselves across the bare shoulders or buttocks with
the thong. There wasn’t supposed to be anything enjoyable to do in that
room.
After Compline, the series of songs and prayers that made up the final
ritual of the day, the seminarians would go directly to their rooms.
They were allowed to say absolutely nothing to anyone until after the
next morning’s opening ritual. This was called Grand Silence and it
meant not only silence of words, but also of any communication or
contact with another person. The night of Ben’s confrontation with
Brother Jeremy at the swimming hole, Ben spent an extra fifteen minutes
in meditation, giving thanks to the Blessed Mother for getting him
through that humiliating experience without anything worse happening.
In fact, it had appeared to have all ended pleasantly. Once Ben was in
the water and had also stripped off his chemise, Jeremy had tossed his
tunic on the shore and jumped in. He played along with the others in a
game of ball. And then, when everyone was tired and began to go in, he
sought Ben out and apologized.
That event in itself had been slightly embarrassing as well. They were
in shallow water and Jeremy stood so that he was out of water from the
waist up. Ben stayed submerged, only his head and shoulders above
water. He was afraid to look at the other boy’s body so he locked his
gaze on Jeremy’s eyes. What was intended as an effort to avoid seeming
sexually interested, then, ended up creating an eye to eye intensity
that left Ben shaken for hours. He thanked the Blessed Mother for his
getting the apparently heartfelt apology from Brother Jeremy, but
prayed that would be the last he’d have to deal with the older
scholastic.
If there was a Blessed Mother answering prayers that night, she may
have heard something in Ben’s fervent pleas that made her look ahead
into his future. She may have answered a prayer. But it wasn’t the one
he thought he was making.
As he had almost every night of his years with the Jesuit Fathers, he
fell quickly to sleep. Rising time was early, almost an hour before
dawn; and after a day of study, work, and prayer, sleep came
easily—even on this night following the scene at the swimming hole. Ben
was a sound sleeper and so, apparently slept through the sounds that
should have awakened him to the realization something irregular was
happening. He apparently did not hear the click of the latch of the
door to his room being opened, nor the subsequent click of its being
closed, nor the soft padding of stockinged feet across the room, nor
even the creaking of the bedframe as the weight of another body was
slowly lowered onto the edge of the bed.
What woke Ben was the pressure of a hand laid lightly across his mouth
to hush him lest he make a noise and the sound of his name whispered in
his ear. He was disoriented at first. It didn’t make any sense. No one
should be speaking during the Grand Silence. As he became conscious, he
struggled to think if perhaps he were somewhere other than St.
Athanasius’. He felt something warm slip inside his flannel pajamas and
slide up his torso. A hand. He opened his eyes.
There was enough light from the moon suffusing through the window above
the bed for Ben to make out the face that hovered over him. It was, of
course, Brother Jeremy Bates. Ben suddenly startled and tried to sit
up. Jeremy’s hand clamped harder across his mouth. “Hush. Don’t make a
sound or we’ll get caught.”
Ben nodded affirmatively, lay back, and the pressure was released.
“What is it?” he asked innocently, still confused about what was
happening. “Is something wrong?”
Jeremy kept one finger laid across Ben’s lips to remind him to stay
quiet. He leaned down to whisper in his ear. “You were the best-looking
of them all out there today.” Jeremy’s lips grazed Ben’s cheek.
Something warm and wet touched the lobe of his ear—Jeremy’s tongue. A
surge of pleasure and horror shot through Ben’s body. He looked up
helplessly into the eyes of the scholastic.
Though Brother Jeremy had hardly ever spoken to him directly before
today, Ben had been aware of him almost since his arrival at St.
Athanasius’. He’d been curious about some sort of cast in his eye, a
certain way he smiled at him, half suppressed, when they passed each
other in the halls or when they were both out working in the fields.
Whatever that fascination, it had always caused Ben to feel something
deep inside his body he could only barely identify. He’d never known
whether it was pleasure or anxiety. This afternoon it was that
amorphous feeling that had created his humiliation and then surged into
sudden anger. It was that feeling now that caused him to tremble all
over even as it spread out from the touch of Jeremy’s hand on his belly.
“What do you want?”
“What you want… to touch you.”
“Jeremy, what are you… ?” Ben raised his voice and Jeremy clamped his hand over his mouth again. Hard.
“Just keep quiet. If you make another sound and bring somebody in here
I’ll say it was all your doing and you’ll be out of the Order so fast
it’ll make your head swim.” Jeremy let his cheek rest on Ben’s.
Ben was confused. Whatever was happening seemed an inexplicable mixture
of tender affection and brutal anger. He knew this shouldn’t be
happening. This is what Father Master had warned about, but had never
explained. Whatever this was in his body—and between him and Jeremy— it
had always been talked about in perplexing circumlocutions. The only
times Ben had felt such feelings were in dreams when he’d awake in the
night humiliated by the wetness of his pajamas or in those desperate
moments when he’d touch himself down there and feel guilty and afraid.
And now Jeremy’s hand was moving. Down. To touch him down there. He was trembling with fear. And with longing.
“Just relax.” Jeremy’s hand closed around Ben’s already hard penis and
sent a shock of pleasure through Ben’s whole body. No one had ever
touched him there before.
Jeremy pressed his mouth against Ben’s and forced his tongue through
his teeth. Ben let out a muffled groan and told himself to try to
relax. He couldn’t fight this.
“Shut up,” Jeremy whispered viciously in his ear and confused him once
more with the emotional swing from tenderness to anger. He sat up and,
very businesslike, began unbuttoning first Ben’s pajamas and then his
own tunic. Ben simply watched in fearful fascination. Jeremy stood up
for a moment and pulled the tunic over his head, leaving himself naked
in the moonlight. Ben remembered how electrified he’d been earlier in
the day when he’d first seen Jeremy’s body.
Jeremy then threw the covers away from Ben and tugged at his pajama
bottoms. Jeremy was only pulling the knot tighter and Ben had to stop
him and then himself release the slipknot in the draw-string. In doing
so he somehow knew he was giving his assent to this act he knew must
not be allowed to happen. He did not want it to happen. And yet he
could not stop his hands from releasing the knot and then, even,
reaching up toward Jeremy. There was something about the flesh of the
older boy’s abdomen that Ben could not resist touching.
He whispered a prayer in his mind to Our Lady to protect him from
whatever was happening. And then he closed his eyes and realized his
hand was moving down the warm hardness of Jeremy’s belly toward his
penis. It was all seeming to happen just beyond his volition. And it
was terrifying to him. And it was immensely gratifying. He knew somehow
he’d been waiting for this for a long time. He knew he’d really known
what this was about all along, but that knowledge had never quite been
allowed to enter consciousness. And now it had.
Ben felt Jeremy’s naked body press slowly down atop him. Jeremy
squirmed so that their bodies touched closer and closer. Ben reached
around with both arms and squeezed Jeremy tighter. He was still afraid,
of course, but the touch and the warmth of the other’s flesh against
his were overwhelming. Indeed, the pleasure of it all was so new and so
overpowering that Ben couldn’t tell where to put his consciousness.
Part of him wanted to retreat into the safety of his mind, to flee the
strangely alluring sensations coming from the body. Another part wanted
to rest comfortably in his chest and shoulders, to grasp the other to
him and to feel himself grasped close: the touching of chest to chest
satisfied an aching hunger in Ben. And yet another part—the part he had
been taught to most fear and loathe—wanted to focus fiercely all his
attention in the throbbing head of his penis where it pressed against
Jeremy’s tight belly and where he could feel Jeremy’s penis pressing
likewise against him.
In his mental confusion, Ben almost detachedly observed the muscles of
his lower back and hips and thighs working quite independently of his
consciousness as they rhythmically slid his penis alongside Jeremy’s.
Ben wondered how the body knew so easily what to do…
And then suddenly Jeremy’s whole body shuddered and writhed in his
arms. What’s happening? he thought and tried to say something but found
the ability to speak was lost to him as the sensations surged through
his brain.
He felt something in his own belly that felt like the floor was
dropping out from under them. He clutched tighter to Jeremy, tighter
still, trying to hold himself from losing whatever was about to be lost
as the falling sensation began to sweep over him. It was like the last
moment in those humiliating dreams, he realized, when whatever was
happening in his body would wake him just in time to feel himself lose
control and wet himself. But this time, he knew, he wanted it to go on,
wanted it to go on and on…
Then suddenly Jeremy struggled to break away from him. He fought to
push Ben’s arms away and Ben’s muscles struggled to pull himself
closer, to let whatever uncontrollable reflex had started complete
itself. “What are you doing?” Jeremy spat out in an angry whisper. “Let
go of me.”
Shocked and frightened, Ben let go. Jeremy pushed himself away with his
arms and then stood up quickly and pulled his tunic over his head. Then
he bent down over Ben. Ben thought gratefully for a moment he was going
to kiss him.
“If you tell anybody, I’ll deny everything. They’ll believe me and you’ll be thrown out.”
******
The next night the same thing happened again. All day he’d felt a swirl
of emotions: love, anger, guilt, shame. He went out of his way to try
to pass Jeremy in the halls or going into chapel. But there were over
two hundred seminarians in the place and, anyway, the scholastics were
generally kept separate from the minor seminarians.
During dinner, while one of the Brothers read from a book about the
life of some Jesuit saint—as they do in monasteries to distract you
from enjoying your meal or maybe just to save time and get in more
reading—Ben broke the rule about not looking up from your plate and
happened to catch a glimpse of Jeremy far across the room looking back
at him. Their eyes held for a moment. Ben hoped his own eyes held a
question—he knew his mind held a million questions. Jeremy’s eyes
seemed almost to smile. And then, just as he did last night, just as
the connection was about to happen equally between them, Jeremy looked
away. Ben felt a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, but this
time it wasn’t impending orgasm, but fear and rejection.
That night, for the first time, he couldn’t fall asleep easily. He lay
awake wondering what Jeremy was doing. After a while he got up and
stealthily moved the wooden chair from his desk to the door, lodging it
under the knob to create a makeshift lock. But almost no sooner had he
climbed back in bed and pulled the covers over himself than he decided
he shouldn’t do that. What if Father Master comes to the door? he asked
himself. Though, of course, in four years that had never happened, so
far as he knew, to any of the Brothers. But still, it seemed like a
reasonable concern. And so he got up and removed the chair.
He then curled up in bed, facing the wall, and slipped into a few
minutes of restless sleep from which he woke gratefully when he heard
the faintest whisper of a sound as someone—he knew who!—touched the
outside knob of the door. He didn’t move at first. He was afraid of
scaring his visitor away. He just listened carefully to each sound,
identifying in mind how the sequence of clicks and squeaks and shuffles
and thuds were Jeremy’s movement through the door and across the tiny
room to his bedside. He felt a hand touch his shoulder.
As he started to roll over, he wondered with a start if this
might be a trap. What if it were one of the priests coming in to see if
he would violate the Grand Silence!
But, no. Indeed, as expected, it was Jeremy who touched his shoulder
and who now stood over him. Neither said a word. A long moment passed.
And then, by way of giving the consent that had not been asked for the
previous night, Ben threw the bedcovers aside. In the faint moonlight
filtering into the room through the window above the head of the bed,
Ben thought he saw Jeremy smile.
The scholastic undid the top few buttons of his tunic and then pulled
it over his head, just as he had done previously. But now there was a
certain teasing seductiveness to it. Ben waited till Jeremy stood over
him, fully naked. And then he tugged at the knot in the waist of his
pajamas and pushed the bottoms down to his knees. Quickly Jeremy joined
into the act and undid Ben’s top even as Ben was pulling his legs free.
They clutched at each other fiercely. Tonight there was no hesitation
in Ben’s mouth as he responded to Jeremy’s kisses. Tonight there was no
confusion in his mind as he let his thoughts go entirely and allowed
his body to slip into its almost automatic rhythms. Tonight there was
no miscalculation of timing as they both pumped against each other and
ejaculated innocently on each other’s belly almost simultaneously.
Still they didn’t speak. There were no words of affection. But no words
of threat. After coming, they fell into that post-coital torpor that is
so familiar to the sexually experienced and that perhaps comprises the
most healing and most satisfying moments of sex. They lay for a while
with their limbs intertwined. Ben felt satisfied and relaxed. The
strain of the day wondering what would come of that awful experience of
the night before had dissipated. Ben felt himself loved. It surprised
him that those were the words that came to mind. He hadn’t realized
that was the issue.
Then finally Jeremy kissed Ben a peck on the lips and began to
extricate himself. “Aren’t you cold?” he whispered as he got out of the
bed and pulled the light summer blanket back up over Ben. A moment
later, Jeremy was dressed and had slipped out the door.
As the silence of the house closed back around him, he thought to
himself he ought to put his pajamas back on. He was just struggling to
find them in the dark, when he realized he could hear a shuffling sound
in the hall. Someone was out there. Jeremy coming back? Why? Maybe he’d
left something by mistake.
The sounds got closer. It sounded like two sets of footsteps. And then there was a light under the door. Someone with a lantern.
The door opened abruptly. He’d have expected one of the priests to
knock. But there had been no knock. No ritual of calling out Our Lady’s
name in announcement of a visitor at the door. No pause for the
answering “Deo Gratias.” The door simply flew open.
And there in the bright light of a kerosene flame was the face of the
Master of Students. Behind him in the shadows, his face downcast, stood
Jeremy. The priest said nothing. He made a gesture which Ben somehow
understood meant “come with me.” Shaking, he got slowly out of the bed,
his eyes locked on the priest’s. Suddenly a wave of repugnance crossed
the Master’s face and he looked away abruptly from Ben, forcing him to
realize he was still naked.
The priest kept his face turned away till Ben had found the pajamas and
put them on. He moved reluctantly toward the door. The priest looked at
him again. And again looked repulsed and annoyed. He made a gesture
toward the closet that Ben understood meant, “Put on your tunic.” He
did as he knew he was instructed and then, still barefoot, followed the
priest down the hall.
The Master managed to communicate by stern look and angry gesture that
he expected Jeremy to walk ahead of him and Ben to follow behind. He
obviously could not bear the thought of the two of them any closer to
one another than he could help. He marched them down the hall, down to
the next floor, past his office, and to the chapel.
He gestured to Jeremy to kneel in the first row of pews. And then led
Ben back to the back of the long, narrow, and high arched room and
pointed for him to kneel in the last row. Then, with a bit of high
drama, he held the kerosene lantern up to his face so that Ben could
see the full measure of his disapproval, then held the lantern in Ben’s
face so that he was momentarily blinded by the light. Then the Master
turned out the flame.
The room went absolutely dark. Ben could hear the solid footsteps of
the priest as he walked back to the doorway which opened into the
chapel about midway down the ranks of pews. He heard him close the door
firmly.
And then he heard a sound he’d never heard before throughout his years at St. Athanasius’. The priest locked the chapel door.
————
That's the end of the excerpt. That was not at all the end of Ben's
adventures. The story in the novel will take him to Chicago and then to
a "utopian colony" in the Rocky Mountains founded by a gay wiseman
named Monty Hightower (loosely modeled on the real Edward Carpenter) and a discovery of the spiritual power of gay consciousness.
The events in the episode above sorta happened to me, but without the
actual sex part with that "Brother Jeremy." (He was actually named Tom
and wasn't in love with me the way I was with him.) I did get sent home
from the Marianist Order, and it was for being gay, but not for
being sexually active, just a little "too different" for the order of
Teaching Brothers; the chaplain who presented the news that I was not
being allowed to stay in the Scholasticate didn't explain the real
reasons. Homosexuality was unspeakable in 1965. It would take me
several years to figure that out.
Being sent home from St Athanasius' was a gift from God for Ben in the novel. And it was a gift from God for me in real life.
But it was certainly a traumatic experience. The Superior did come to
my door, after hours, to tell me the Provincial Council had voted for
my expulsion. He didn't have a lantern and he did knock on the door.
But it was awfully much like Ben getting caught.
Read about Toby Johnson's Novitiate Memories.
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