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FINDING YOUR OWN TRUE MYTH: What I Learned from Joseph Campbell: The Myth of the Great Secret III
FINDING GOD IN THE SEXUAL UNDERWORLD: The Journey Expanded
GAY SPIRITUALITY: The Role of Gay Identity in the Transformation of Human Consciousness
GAY PERSPECTIVE: Things Our Homosexuality Tells Us about the Nature of God and the Universe
SECRET MATTER, a sci-fi novel with wonderful "aliens" with an Afterword by Mark Jordan
GETTING LIFE IN PERSPECTIVE: A Fantastical Gay Romance set in two different time periods
THE FOURTH QUILL, a novel about attitudinal healing and the problem of evil
TWO SPIRITS: A Story of Life with the Navajo, a collaboration with Walter L. Williams
CHARMED LIVES: Spinning Straw into Gold: GaySpirit in Storytelling, a collaboration with Steve Berman and some 30 other writers
THE MYTH OF THE GREAT SECRET: An Appreciation of Joseph Campbell
IN SEARCH OF GOD IN THE SEXUAL UNDERWORLD: A Mystical Journey
Books on Gay Spirituality:
White Crane Gay Spirituality Series
Articles and Excerpts:
Review of Samuel Avery's The Dimensional Structure of Consciousness
Funny Coincidence: "Aliens Settle in San Francisco"
The Simple Answer to the Gay Marriage Debate
A Bifurcation of Gay Spirituality
Why gay people should NOT Marry
The Scriptural Basis for Same Sex Marriage
Gay Consciousness
Advice to Future Gay Historians
Q&A about Jungian ideas in gay consciousness
What Jesus said about Gay Rights
Myths, Salvation and the Great Secret with Rich Grzesiak
Common Experiences Unique to Gay Men
Is there a "uniquely gay perspective"?
Interview on the Nature of Homosexuality
What the Bible Says about Homosexuality
Mesosexual Ideal for Straight Men
Waves of Gay Liberation Activity
Wouldn’t You Like to Be Uranian?
The Reincarnation of Edward Carpenter
Queer men, myths and Reincarnation
Why Gay Spirituality: Spirituality as Artistic Medium
Easton Mountain Retreat Center
Andrew Harvey & Spiritual Activism
The Mysticism of Andrew Harvey
Enlightenment
The myth of the Bodhisattva AvalokitesvaraJoseph Campbell's description of Avalokiteshvara
The Nature of Suffering and The Four Quills
You're Not A Wave
Joseph Campbell Talks about Aging
Toby's Experience of Zen
What is Enlightenment?
What is reincarnation?
What happens at Death?
How many lifetimes in an ego?
Emptiness & Religious Ideas
Experiencing experiencing experiencing
Going into the Light
Meditations for a Funeral
Meditation Practice
The way to get to heaven
Buddha's father was right
What Anatman means
Advice to Travelers to India & Nepal
The Danda Nata & goddess Kalika
A Funny Story: The Rug Salesmen of Istanbul
Nate Berkus is a bodhisattva
John Boswell was Immanuel Kant
Cutting edge realization
The Myth of the Wanderer
Change: Source of Suffering & of Bliss
World Navel
What the Vows Really Mean
Manifesting from the Subtle Realms
The Three-layer Cake & the Multiverse
The est Training and Personal Intention
Effective Dreaming in Ursula LeGuin's The Lathe of Heaven
Drawing a Long Straw: Ketamine at the Mann Ranch
Alan Watts & Multiple Solipsism
How I Learned Chakra Meditation
Je ne Regrette Rien
Gay Spirituality
The Joseph Campbell Connection
The Mann Ranch (& Rich Gabrielson)
Campbell & The Pre/Trans Fallacy
The subtle workings of the spirit in gay men's lives.The Sinfulness of Homosexuality
Proposal for a study of gay nondualism
Marian Doctrines: Immaculate Conception & Assumption
Monastic or Chaste Homosexuality
The Monastic Schedule: a whimsy
Is It Time to Grow Up? Confronting the Aging Process
Gay Consciousness changing the world by Shokti LoveStar
Alexander Renault interviews Toby Johnson
Mystical Vision
"The Evolution of Gay Identity"
"St. John of the Cross & the Dark Night of the Soul."
Religious Articulations of the Secret
The Moulting of the Holy Ghost
Revolution Through Consciousness Change: GSV 2019
Tonglen in the Radisson Varanasi
The Hero's Journey
The Hero's Journey as archetype -- GSV 2016
The Gay Hero Journey (shortened)
Seeing Differently
Teenage Prostitution and the Nature of Evil
Allah Hu: "God is present here"
Gay retirement and the "freelance monastery"Facing the Edge: AIDS as an occasion for spiritual wisdom
What are you looking for in a gay science fiction novel?
A Different Take on Leathersex
Seeing Pornography Differently
The Vision
The mystical experience at the Servites' Castle in Riverside
A Most Remarkable Synchronicity in Riverside
The Great Dance according to C.S.Lewis
The Techniques Of The World Saviors
Part 1: Brer Rabbit and the Tar-Baby
Part 2: The Bodhisattva Avalokiteshvara
Part 3: Jesus and the Resurrection
Part 4: A Course in Miracles
How Gay Souls Get Reincarnated
Joseph Campbell, the Hero's Journey, and the modern Gay Hero-- a five part presentation on YouTube
In honor of Sir Arthur C Clarke
Intersections with the movie When We Rise
Toby at the California Institute
Toby Marotta & Sons of Harvard
Toby Marotta's Politics of Homosexuality
People
Toby's friend and nicknamesake Toby Marotta.
Harry Hay, Founder of the gay movement
About Karl Heinrich Ulrichs, the first man to really "come out"
About Michael Talbot, gay mystic
The Gay Spirituality Summit in May 2004 and the "Statement of Spirituality"
Book Reviews
Be Done on Earth by Howard E. Cook
Pay Me What I'm Worth by Souldancer
The Way Out by Christopher L Nutter
The Gay Disciple by John Henson
Art That Dares by Kittredge Cherry
Coming Out, Coming Home by Kennth A. Burr
Extinguishing the Light by B. Alan Bourgeois
Over Coffee: A conversation For Gay Partnership & Conservative Faith by D.a. Thompson
Dark Knowledge by Kenneth Low
Janet Planet by Eleanor Lerman
The Kairos by Paul E. Hartman
Wrestling with Jesus by D.K.Maylor
Kali Rising by Rudolph Ballentine
The Missing Myth by Gilles Herrada
The Secret of the Second Coming by Howard E. Cook
The Scar Letters: A Novel by Richard Alther
The Future is Queer by Labonte & Schimel
Missing Mary by Charlene Spretnak
Gay Spirituality 101 by Joe Perez
Cut Hand: A Nineteeth Century Love Story on the American Frontier by Mark Wildyr
Radiomen by Eleanor Lerman
Nights at Rizzoli by Felice Picano
The Key to Unlocking the Closet Door by Chelsea Griffo
The Door of the Heart by Diana Finfrock Farrar
Occam’s Razor by David Duncan
Grace and Demion by Mel White
Gay Men and The New Way Forward by Raymond L. Rigoglioso
The Dimensional Stucture of Consciousness by Samuel Avery
The Manly Pursuit of Desire and Love by Perry Brass
Love Together: Longtime Male Couples on Healthy Intimacy and Communication by Tim Clausen
War Between Materialism and Spiritual by Jean-Michel Bitar
The Serpent's Gift: Gnostic Reflections on the Study of Religion by Jeffrey J. Kripal
Esalen: America and the Religion of No Religion by Jeffrey J. Kripal
The Invitation to Love by Darren Pierre
Brain, Consciousness, and God: A Lonerganian Integration by Daniel A Helminiak
A Walk with Four Spiritual Guides by Andrew Harvey
Can Christians Be Saved? by Stephenson & Rhodes
The Lost Secrets of the Ancient Mystery Schools by Stephenson & Rhodes
Keys to Spiritual Being: Energy Meditation and Synchronization Exercises by Adrian Ravarour
In Walt We Trust by John Marsh
Solomon's Tantric Song by Rollan McCleary
A Special Illumination by Rollan McCleary
Aelred's Sin by Lawrence Scott
Fruit Basket by Payam Ghassemlou
Internal Landscapes by John Ollom
Princes & Pumpkins by David Hatfield Sparks
Yes by Brad Boney
Blood of the Goddess by William Schindler
Roads of Excess, Palaces of Wisdom by Jeffrey Kripal
Evolving Dharma by Jay Michaelson
Jesus in Salome's Lot by Brett W. Gillette
The Man Who Loved Birds by Fenton Johnson
The Vatican Murders by Lucien Gregoire
"Sex Camp" by Brian McNaught
Out & About with Brewer & Berg
Episode One: Searching for a New Mythology
The Soul Beneath the Skin by David Nimmons
Out on Holy Ground by Donald Boisvert
The Revotutionary Psychology of Gay-Centeredness by Mitch Walker
Out There by Perry Brass
The Crucifixion of Hyacinth by Geoff Puterbaugh
The Silence of Sodom by Mark D Jordan
It's Never About What It's About by Krandall Kraus and Paul Borja
ReCreations, edited by Catherine Lake
Gospel: A Novel by WIlton Barnhard
Keeping Faith: A Skeptic’s Journey by Fenton Johnson
Dating the Greek Gods by Brad Gooch
Telling Truths in Church by Mark D. Jordan
The Substance of God by Perry Brass
The Tomcat Chronicles by Jack Nichols
10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Improve Their Lives by Joe Kort
Jesus and the Shamanic Tradition of Same Sex Love by Will Roscoe
The Third Appearance by Walter Starcke
The Last Hours of Ancient Sunlight by Thom Hartmann
Surviving and Thriving After a Life-Threatening Diagnosis by Bev Hall
Men, Homosexuality, and the Gods by Ronald Long
An Interview with Ron Long
Queering Creole Spiritual Traditons by Randy Conner & David Sparks
An Interview with Randy Conner
Pain, Sex and Time by Gerald Heard
Sex and the Sacred by Daniel Helminiak
Blessing Same-Sex Unions by Mark Jordan
Rising Up by Joe Perez
Soulfully Gay by Joe Perez
That Undeniable Longing by Mark Tedesco
Vintage: A Ghost Story by Steve Berman
Wisdom for the Soul by Larry Chang
MM4M a DVD by Bruce Grether
Double Cross by David Ranan
The Transcended Christian by Daniel Helminiak
Jesus in Love by Kittredge Cherry
In the Eye of the Storm by Gene Robinson
The Starry Dynamo by Sven Davisson
Life in Paradox by Fr Paul Murray
Spirituality for Our Global Community by Daniel Helminiak
Gay & Healthy in a Sick Society by Robert A. Minor
Coming Out: Irish Gay Experiences by Glen O'Brien
Queering Christ by Robert Goss
Skipping Towards Gomorrah by Dan Savage
The Flesh of the Word by Richard A Rosato
Catland by David Garrett Izzo
Tantra for Gay Men by Bruce Anderson
Yoga & the Path of the Urban Mystic by Darren Main
Simple Grace by Malcolm Boyd
Seventy Times Seven by Salvatore Sapienza
What Does "Queer" Mean Anyway? by Chris Bartlett
Critique of Patriarchal Reasoning by Arthur Evans
Gift of the Soul by Dale Colclasure & David Jensen
Legend of the Raibow Warriors by Steven McFadden
The Liar's Prayer by Gregory Flood
Lovely are the Messengers by Daniel Plasman
The Human Core of Spirituality by Daniel Helminiak
3001: The Final Odyssey by Arthur C. Clarke
Religion and the Human Sciences by Daniel Helminiak
Only the Good Parts by Daniel Curzon
Four Short Reviews of Books with a Message
Life Interrupted by Michael Parise
Confessions of a Murdered Pope by Lucien Gregoire
The Stargazer's Embassy by Eleanor Lerman
Conscious Living, Conscious Aging by Ron Pevny
Footprints Through the Desert by Joshua Kauffman
True Religion by J.L. Weinberg
The Mediterranean Universe by John Newmeyer
Everything is God by Jay Michaelson
Reflection by Dennis Merritt
Everywhere Home by Fenton Johnson
Hard Lesson by James Gaston
God vs Gay? by Jay Michaelson
The Gate of Tears: Sadness and the Spiritual Path by Jay Michaelson
Roxie & Fred by Richard Alther
Not the Son He Expected by Tim Clausen
The 9 Realities of Stardust by Bruce P. Grether
The Afterlife Revolution by Anne & Whitley Strieber
AIDS Shaman: Queer Spirit Awakening by Shokti Lovestar
Facing the Truth of Your Life by Merle Yost
The Super Natural by Whitley Strieber & Jeffrey J Kripal
Secret Body by Jeffrey J Kripal
In Hitler's House by Jonathan Lane
Walking on Glory by Edward Swift
The Paradox of Porn by Don Shewey
Is Heaven for Real? by Lucien Gregoire
In Search of Lost Lives by Michael Goddart
Queer Magic by Tomas Prower
God in Your Body by Jay Michaelson
Science Whispering Spirit by Gary Preuss
Friends of Dorothy by Dee Michel
New by Whitley Strieber
Developing Supersensible Perception by Shelli Renee Joye
Sage Sapien by Johnson Chong
Tarot of the Future by Arthur Rosengarten
Brothers Across Time by Brad Boney
Impresario of Castro Street by Marc Huestis
Deathless by Andrew Ramer
The Pagan Heart of the West, Vol 1 by Randy P. Conner
Practical Tantra by William Schindler
The Flip by Jeffrey J. Kripal
A New World by Whitley Strieber
Bernhard & LightWing by Damien Rowse
The Mountains of Paris by David Oates
Trust Truth by Trudie Barreras
How to be an Excellent Human Being by Bill Meacham
The Deviant's War by Eric Cervini
What Is the Grass by Mark Doty
Sex with God by Suzanne DeWitt Hall
The Sum of All the Pieces by Paul Bradford
All the Time in the World by J. Lee Graham
Jonas and the Mountain by Janis Harper
Two Hearts Dancing by Eli Andrew Ramer
Where's My Pizza? by Larry Armstead II
A New Now by Michael Goddart
Heavenly Homos, Etc by Jan Haen
The Erotic Contemplative by Michael Bernard Kelly
Our Time by Chuck Forester
Queer God de Amor by Miguel H. Diaz
I Came Here Seeking a Person by William Glenn
Scissors, Paper, Rock by Fenton Johnson
Toby Johnson's Books on Gay Men's Spiritualities:
Gay Perspective
Things Our [Homo]sexuality
Tells Us about the
Nature of God and
the Universe
Gay Perspective is available as an audiobook narrated by Matthew Whitfield. Click here
Gay Spirituality
Gay Identity and
the Transformation of
Human Consciousness
Gay Spirituality is now available as an audiobook, beautifully narrated by John Sipple. Click here
Charmed Lives: Gay Spirit in Storytelling
edited by
Toby Johnson
& Steve Berman
Secret Matter
Lammy Award Winner for Gay Science Fiction
updated
Getting Life in Perspective
A Fantastical Romance
Getting Life in Perspective is available as an audiobook narrated by Alex Beckham. Click here
The Fourth Quill
originally published as PLAGUE
Two Spirits: A Story of Life with the Navajo
with Walter L. Williams
Two Spirits is available as an audiobook narrated by Arthur Raymond. Click here
Finding Your Own True Myth: What I Learned from Joseph Campbell
The Myth of the Great Secret III
In Search of God in the Sexual Underworld
Finding God In The Sexual Underworld: The Journey Expanded
2020 Revised Version
The Myth of the Great Secret: An Appreciation of Joseph Campbell.
This was the second edition of this book.
Toby Johnson's titles are available in other ebook formats from Smashwords.
The way to get what you want is to want what you get — Werner Erhard
I participated in a writing workshop, Nov 15, 2022, which asked us to write about an experience of romance. This is what I wrote. I love this part of my life.
In 1977, I was living in San Francisco, but had already begun thinking about moving elsewhere. I’d lived in the City almost a decade. I hadn't found the love of my life that I’d been hoping for, and was thinking S.F. was not a good place to find a lover. "Too many men, too little time"--the motto of gay S.F. in the 70s.
One of the California things I’d never done was the est training, Werner Erhard's 2-weekend workshop about a kind of modern enlightenment. I had a favorite teacher, Kim McKell, who'd done est and she invited me to a guest seminar—with Werner himself, actually. At the end of the 2 hour talk, I signed up.
What happened during est itself is another story -- very interesting, but not to the point of romance. Tho' one of my intentions in doing the training was to find a lover. Part of est was getting your intentions clear.
A week or two after the training, I attended a Christmas party about 3 blocks from my home hosted by one of the people I’d met at est. I remember milling around the party, not really knowing anybody there, but feeling empowered in the way est makes you feel.
Then suddenly I noticed a man arrive at the front door. He was adorable. About my age, I guess, though looked a little older cause he was (prematurely) graying, but had a lovely wide-open smile and pretty face. He was a little shorter than me, but as he took his winter coat off, I could see he had a good physique, thin, trim with square shoulders. I have always been attracted to the look of men's wrists; I joke that was a consequence of sexually maturing while I was in Catholic monastic life and the only part of the other novices' bodies that could be seen were their wrists! I could see the cutie at the door had hairy wrists—like mine. I watched him as he spoke to the host who opened the door for him and was taking his coat. Hmmm. As he entered the living room where the food table was, I think, he noticed me. Our eyes caught.
I don't remember exactly how it all happened, but I remember that moment as the mutual "love at first sight" experience of my life. His name was Bill. I always called him Billy. We talked for a while sitting on the floor in front of the fireplace. It was Christmas and there was garlands and decorations all around. Bill and I ended up standing in the bay window at the front of the living room, out of the crowd, and we talked, both of us kind of excited and happy.
I mentioned that I lived nearby. Why don't we go over there?
The lovemaking was wonderful. That night and for the next few months. Our bodies fit together nicely.
Over time the relationship got complicated. He developed testicular cancer about 6 months in and lost sexual abilities for a while. But we lived together for over 2 years.
The cancer was effectively cured by surgery, but it left Bill traumatized for a while. We weren't having regular orgasms together and that damaged the sexuality of our intimacy. On the other hand, I learned about caring and taking care of a partner. I learned to move past the initial love-at-first-sight—what I learned to call limerence.
We made a nice couple for a while. He was a tap dancer and dance instructor and performer; his previous lover had been a ventriloquist with a puppet. Billy was very romantic in a way that was new to me.
He organized a surprise 33rd birthday party for me in 1978 at a meeting room, called the Hall of Flowers, in the Arboretum in Golden Gate Park; he'd invited everybody
I knew from three different address books—school friends, work friends, gay activist friends and housemates. It was the most wonderful party.
Billy had always been more bi- than gay. And I think the gay side of him was a little bit of an embarrassment. We were beginning to break up cause I wanted a lover, not just a housemate, and he wasn't feeling like a lover anymore tho' expected some sort of monogamy from me and was resentful of my occasionally going to a nearby gay bathhouse for sexual recreation. He was preparing to move out, and told me that he'd been seeing a woman he'd met through est, a former lesbian—a bi woman, I would have said—who also had wanted a more normal life than being gay and wanted to have a child. Bill found that though he had only one testicle, his sperm count was up to normal. And, est-fashion, had come to understand that the cancer was a manifestation of his discomfort with the homosexual side of himself. So getting over the cancer was a way of getting over his previous life. Dating a woman allowed him to reclaim his sexual self. They soon married. I was best man.
Bill was a real est-y. He talked the jargon incessantly. Our couple of years together were a little like constant group therapy and self-analysis. I didn't mind and got into it myself though I was not a true believer devotee of Werner and the Training, and felt Bill just too devoted. He was a volunteer secretary to the assistant manager of the San Francisco est offices for a while.
I joke that doing est in 1978 with the intention of finding a lover got me Bill a couple of weeks later. Then in 1980 I did David Goodstein's The Advocate Experience—"gay est"—in order to get rid of the lover. And I did.
In fact then, in 1984, I did the second level of est called The Six Day Experience, with the intention again of finding a lover. And from that came my lifelong relationship back in San Antonio with Kip Dollar--38 years at the time of this writing (2022).
Bill and his wonderful wife lived a great life together. They were both teachers, dancers, and performers. They ran a school together. They had one child, a daughter. Bill died of lung cancer April 23, 2018. He'd have been in his early 70s, a full life.
I was very impressed with the wisdom of est and I did experience a kind of enlightenment and still reverberate with it all these years later. But I was skeptical of the organization and the intense push to get other people to do est. It was missionary zeal—which I understand is the natural response to discovering something that everybody would benefit from. But it was also pushy and commercial.
Here's a link to my article about est -- pro and con.
